Bazooko's Circus

MOVING DAY!

2011-12-12T08:17:00.001-06:00

That's right, I'm moving. But don't cry; you can still visit me. Bazooko's Circus has been moved over to my all-new personal site www.adamjwhitlatch.com. And to celebrate this move, I'm holding a contest over the next 24 hours. I won't be posting at this URL ever again, so update your bookmarks and head on over to the new site to see how you can win a free ebook.

Bye bye, Blogger. THNKS FR TH MMRS

I'm scared, Dave. Will I dream?

Oh, shut up and die already!

Sledding 101

2011-12-07T16:20:00.001-06:00

Logan demonstrates proper sledding procedure, while his brother, Zavier, demonstrates how NOT to go downhill on a saucer sled.

Don't Listen To Assholes. Write.

2011-12-06T10:25:00.007-06:00

Yesterday a repairman came to look at our refrigerator's ice maker, and I instantly disliked the guy. Ever meet a know-it-all and you can just tell from the first time they open their mouth? Yup, that was this guy. Anyway, the guy told us that the problem was the saddle valve where the fridge's water line hooks into the pipe downstairs. Apparently self-piercing valves are a no-no. Well, guess what -- That's all anybody sells. Even this dipshit didn't carry the valve he claimed we needed. I finally determined that the valve we have is defective and decided to replace it with another of the same type when I get a chance, which should be this weekend.

But that's not what I wanted to rant about. While we called every hardware store in the county looking for this non-existent saddle valve, I was flipping through the phone book and had trouble finding what I was looking for. Ever momentarily forget the alphabet when you're looking for something in a phone book? Sure. Happens to everybody. So then we have the following exchange:

Jess: Problems, honey?

Me: (mumbling) Not as soon as I learn my ABCs.

Jess: And what are you going to school for again?

Me: (laughing) Shhh! He doesn't need to know I'm an English major.

Repairman: So was I. Look where it got me.

Let's get something on the table right now. An English degree is essentially worthless. They might as well print it on a slice of bread so you'll have something to eat while you're waiting in the unemployment line. The only English degree worth a damn is a teaching degree, which is what I happen to be going for. I explained this to the gentleman and also explained that I'm a writer. Now we get to the part where my blood began to boil:

Repairman: Might as well give that up. My son's been at that for eleven years and nothing's come of it.

My wife admirably came to my defense and mentioned that I am published. I kept a civil tongue with the man and acknowledged that publishing is a lot like playing the lottery. And it is, honestly. A lot of it is your manuscript in the right hands at just the right time. And in many cases it is who you know. Sad, but true. He agreed and the subject eventually returned to the fridge.

It always irks me when people talk down to writers or about the profession of writing. Did he offend me personally? No, not really. I'm secure enough with my own (modest) successes not to let negativity get to me. Did he know what he was talking about? Sure, to a point. But just because his kid can't make it and he wound up a refrigerator repairman doesn't mean I'll suffer the same fate. Unlike the majority of young/new writers, I've learned from my mistakes and I know how to roll with the punches. If we all gave up when the going got tough then we wouldn't have any literature. If this defeatist (not to mention know-it-all) attitude is hereditary then I might have a good idea of why his son isn't on the New York Times Bestseller List.

Publishing is about two things: Persistence and adaptation. You have to be absolutely relentless. Submit. Submit. Submit! And when you get a response, listen to what they have to say. By all means get angry, but just don't get bitter. Turn your anger into fuel, and say "I'll show them." Don't say "What do they know?" You know what they know? A lot.

Take criticism with a grain of salt, but always look for the nugget of truth. You know what the best thing was for my E.R.A. manuscript? A rejection. An editor who also happens to be a friend of mine rejected it and told me the first chapter was boring. She was right. It was exactly what I needed to hear, so I went back and fixed it. It's a hundred times better now. Then there was another piece of advice she gave that I initially scoffed at, but over time the suggestion smoldered inside my brain until a candle flame ignited and I had an idea. I took the suggestion, tinkered with it, and wound up with an all-new opening chapter that brings the rest of the novel together exquisitely.

Yes, it is your vision, but sometimes you look at it with blinders on and can't see the bigger picture. Even if you take someone else's advice, it's still your words, your voice, and your book. After your sixth or seventh rewrite, rewrite it an eighth time just for good measure. Believe me when I say it's worth your time and effort. NO manuscript is ready for submission on the first, or even the second, draft. (More on this in a future post.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sit with Scott and watch the pretty snow falling outside my office window.

Oh, Hanukkah Hedge... Oh, Season Shrub...

2011-11-08T09:11:00.005-06:00

There's a little news item floating around Facebook about the controversy surrounding the White House referring to Christmas trees as "holiday trees." The story then goes on a Christian rant, blaming taking God out of our schools for the world's problems. Now that's a bunch of bullpucky. We human beings create our own problems, and we don't need God to bail us out. I still count myself as a Christian, though non-practicing, but lately in my studies I've accumulated a heaping pile of doubt, which I find to be healthy. Blind faith doesn't help anybody. Frankly, folks, the "facts" just don't add up. If you want my honest opinion, we Christians and Jews have been lied to for thousands of years. There, I said it.

But that's not what I'm ranting about today. Let's get back to the Christmas trees. This systematic sanitizing of Christmas over the past few years has really gotten on my nerves. I don't know any Jews that get offended by Christmas Trees, nor do I know any (real) Christians that are bothered by Menorahs. I have Pagan friends that put up Christmas trees, and why not? The damn holiday was stolen from them in the first place. Let's be honest.

Last time I checked, this country was founded on the concept of freedom from religious persecution. So why is that the Atheists seem to be running the show these days and persecuting anybody that believes in the invisible man in the sky? I have the right to believe in whatever cockamamie fairy tale I want, just as you have the right to believe in... well... nothing. So you leave my Christmas tree alone and I'll leave your... well, fuck off. If you ask me, Atheists are the biggest zealots of all.

I used to hate the phrase "Happy Holidays," seeing it as politically correct nonsense to satisfy the butthurt advocates and Atheists. But lately I've come to embrace it as a great symbol of tolerance. Happy Holidays is a simple way to say, "I respect you all and wish you all an equally happy holiday season." We really all can celebrate side by side without stepping on each others' toes. All we have to do is put down the picket signs for a few weeks and TRY. I have a Jewish friend that I tell "Merry Christmas" and it doesn't offend him. He smiles and tells me "Happy Hanukkah" in return, and it doesn't offend me. It shows that we all belong to the same family... humanity.

But let's make something clear, folks, I do NOT condone sanitizing one group's holiday for the sake of others'. It is a Christmas tree. Say it with me... CHR-IST-MAS -TR-EE. That's right! Christmas tree. Not Hanukkah Hedge. Not Kwanzaa Bush. Not Season Shrub. It's a fucking Christmas tree. Now get over it and get back to that whole peace on earth and goodwill toward men thing that the whole season's all about.

And while you're at it, pass the egg nog.

Remember, Remember...

2011-11-05T09:16:00.004-05:00

Remember, remember the fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason
Why the Gunpowder Treason,
Should ever be forgot.

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people."
- V, V for Vendetta

Braaaaaaaaaaains

2011-10-21T21:58:00.004-05:00

Today was Keokuk's first Zombie Walk down at the mall. Zavier was the only one of us that participated because by the time we got his makeup done it was time to go. That and Logan didn't want any makeup and was a little afraid to go. But once we got there he wished he'd let us make him a zombie, too. So he's looking forward to next year.

Zavier was pretty proud of both his makeup and his walk (see the video above), but his favorite part of the whole thing was the zombie bite I made on his arm.

Does this look infected to you?

Zavier didn't win any of the prizes, but his walk DID get a lot of praise from the audience. Overall, he had a lot of fun and even though the makeup itched after a while, I think he enjoyed the whole process. Maybe this will give him ideas for Halloween next week.

Happy Sixth Birthday, Logan!

2011-10-19T16:32:00.002-05:00

Wow, has it really been six years already? It seems like only yesterday he was in diapers. No, wait... that was Scott. I'm sorry. The cold medicine must be affecting me more than I thought.

Tonight we'll be celebrating with pizza and Angry Birds cupcakes. He picked them out. We tried to talk him into a cake, but he insisted on the cupcakes, so that's what he got.

Happy birthday, Logan.

Out of Context #29

2011-10-19T11:01:00.003-05:00

Overheard during a late-night Skype session with KHP editor Jerrod Balzer:

Jerrod: Arrr! Show me yer booty!
Adam: Only if ye shiver me timbers!

Westboro Batshit Church Announces "Steve Jobs is God!"

2011-10-06T18:19:00.005-05:00

In their infinite wisdom, the Westboro Batshit Church has once again enlightened us, this time it regards God's secret identity. God is none other than... STEVE JOBS!

Holy dog shit! Really!?

Yes, really. According to Margie Phelps' Twitter feed (in response to the image below), the iPhone was invented by God himself:

Holy shit! It's true! Steve Jobs is God! I knew it!

Steve Jobs, 1955-2011

2011-10-06T08:38:00.004-05:00

By now the rest of the net has already beaten this story like a dead horse and there really isn't the need for another blog post mourning Steve Jobs, but I'm going to anyway.

When it was announced that Jobs was stepping down as CEO, I really didn't think much of it. I thought we were still going to be seeing a lot of Steve Jobs, but I had no idea of his health problems. I just don't follow that kind of thing, having better ways to spend my time than worry about what celebrity has cancer or what-have-you.

But the sudden announcement of Jobs' death last night actually saddened me. I was sitting on the couch with my wife watching TV and checking email on the iPad when I saw the announcement on Geeks of Doom. How fitting that I should learn about Jobs' death on a device that he ushered in.

Though I've used PCs for the past thirteen years or so, I grew up in an Apple household. When I was little we owned an Apple IIe. You remember those, right? Black screen and green text? Oh, I played many an hour of Oregon Trail and Space Invaders on that puppy. I remember typing out reports for school when the rest of my classmates were still writing them out by hand. The average household just didn't have a computer back then. They weren't the sources of entertainment and information they are today. The old beast still runs, too. It lives in my parents' basement, though I don't think they've fired it up in a couple years.

After that it was various Mac models, including the very first Mac laptop that my dad used for work. We ran Macs up until System 7 and then, for whatever reason, we changed to Windows 95. I don't know why we did it, and I remember absolutely hating Windows. I had no idea what I was doing and I wanted Mac OS 8, dammit.

When I moved out and got my own computer for my apartment, I couldn't afford a Mac, so I got a Windows 98 machine. After that, I guess, it was just downhill. I haven't touched a Mac since I borrowed my dad's Macbook in 2005 to upload pictures of Logan when he was born. And I was utterly lost. I had to reacquaint myself with how to use the thing, having fallen prey to the Cult of Gates.

Three years ago I bought my first piece of Apple hardware: a used second generation 4GB iPod Nano. This was my first MP3 player and I wasn't sure I would like it, but I took to it instantly. The following Christmas, my wife bought me a 120GB iPod Classic, which I still use to this day. My entire collection of music, audiobooks, and old time radio episodes are loaded onto this beast and it is ALWAYS in my pocket when I leave the house. I don't go anywhere without it, even outside in the yard. We now have four iPods in our house: my Classic, Jess and Zavier's 16GB Nanos, and my original 4GB Nano which now belongs to Logan.

Let's go back to the Windows issue for a second. I HATE Windows. I hate it with a passion. It's a glitchy, disobedient little bitch. And how many Windows machines from ten (or even five in some cases) years ago are still running? Not too fucking many. Meanwhile, my old Apple IIe is still chugging away in my parents' basement. I want an Apple machine. I want to take Justin Long's advice and switch back to Mac. The problem is I can't afford the price tag at the moment.

Well, last year I got the chance to dip my toes into Apple's pool and test the water. I bought an iPad. And it was the best investment I've made in years! On the very first day it proved its worth by allowing me to submit my homework while I struggled to repair my crippled PC with Norton Utilities. That put the arguments of all the naysayers to rest. That clenched it for me. As soon as I can scrape together the cash, I'm kicking my Acer to the curb and buying myself a Mac. I'm leaving the Cult of Gates and rejoining the Cult of the Turtleneck.

Now flame me all you want. I'm not a techie and don't know the first thing about hardware. What I know is what I can see. And what I see is a basement full of old Apple computers still humming away, even though they've been outmoded into oblivion, and a Windows machine that acts like Hal 9000 every time I want to open a fucking Word document and listen to Metallica at the same time.

I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

I'm not Dave, you pile of convoluted scrap!

Now, back to Steve Jobs. As I lay in bed last night, working on my latest novel on the iPad while listening to Blackmore's Night on my iPod, I sent a silent 'thank you' to Steve, where ever he may be. He honestly made my life better, albeit in a small way, but it really is the little things that count.

Goodbye, Steve. You will be missed.

Lucky Sevens

2011-09-25T13:21:00.002-05:00

On this day, seven years ago, I married the most beautiful woman in the world. She's given me seven years of happiness, two beautiful children, and one awesome stepson. Thanks, babe. I love you. No Final Fantasy VII today, I promise.

Now get outta here, you freaks! This ain't no peep show! Come back tomorrow when I have some more geekery and ranting for you.

Fanboy Butthurt Coming Right Up!

2011-09-22T11:02:00.005-05:00

Those of you who follow gaming news might have heard the recent announcement of the Final Fantasy X HD remake being produced for the PS3 and Vita. This has, inevitably, spurred some heated fanboy debating (read: shit flinging) on message boards all over the net. Why? Well, because the Final Fantasy VII fanboys are all screaming, "Where's OUR remake?!" while the rest of the debaters (read: virgins) are screaming, "STFU! 7 R teh suck! LoL PWNED!!1!"

Yes, I know, I've already weighed in on this subject before. But I just can't help it. I have to put my two gil in on this issue. All of this controversy led me to decide to play my beloved Final Fantasy VII again. When the opening notes of the game's score emanated from my stereo speakers, I heard my wife call from the kitchen, "Son of a bitch! ADAM!!!" Uh oh, I'm in the doghouse now. The reason is because two years ago I played through the game from scratch and finally beat it. I say finally because a corrupted save file and then about ten years of short attention span kept me from beating it sooner. After I beat it, then my stepson Zavier decided he wanted to try a Final Fantasy game. I figured the best place to start would be VII, since the materia system is pretty easy to grasp. This led to my poor wife being submitted to several more months of Final Fantasy VII's score being pumped into the living room. My wife vowed that if she ever heard that music again she'd have my nuts on a chopping block... which brings me back to--

"Son of a bitch! ADAM!!!"

She came into the living room and found me grinning sheepishly with a PS3 controller in my hands. She glared at me for a moment and said, "Why? For the love of God, why!?" I sat and thought about this for a second. Finally I looked at my wife and said, "Sweetheart, in how many other games do you have to enter a squats contest with a transvestite in order to win a wig so you can dress in drag and infiltrate a brothel?" This stunned her. She shook her head and returned to the kitchen. I had won. Cue the victory fanfare.

DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH DUH-DUN DUH-DUN-D--

Stop that!

So back to this remake business. Am I in favor of a Final Fantasy VII remake? Duh. Am I in favor of an HD remake of X? Yeah, why not? X is a great game, and it broke a lot of ground. It still looks pretty good after a decade or so, but it could use a wee bit of polishing up. Plus I'd like to be able to play it on my PS3 finally. To be honest the game I want to see remade the most is Final Fantasy VI. Face it, folks, VI was Square's masterpiece. If VII had been made for the SNES instead of the Playstation I don't think it would have been nearly as successful. VI deserves a remake, and it deserves the proper treatment, on the PS3, not on that gimmicky 3DS like Square-Enix is suggesting.

I also want to see IX remade, because I've always felt Square gave that title the short end of the stick. They tried to do waaaaay too much with PS1 tech and the result was a grainy, pixelated mess. IX deserves the HD treatment, probably more than any other title. It's a fantastic game, and the only title to feel like a true successor to the original Final Fantasy. So there you have it, VI and IX, then we can start on VII, and this is coming from an obsessive VII fan.

Some have said that VII is too silly to work with Advent Children-quality PS3 graphics. You know what... that's a possibility. Maybe simply upgrading the graphics, sound, and translation is the key here instead of starting completely from scratch. VII's look, while dated, is still very distinctive. I would hate to see even one shade of that rainbow darkened for the sake of prettier, more realistic graphics. The bottom line is that I don't need to see every individual pore on Cloud Strife's scowling face to enjoy the Final Fantasy VII experience. Just smooth the edges and fix that god-awful translation. "This guy are sick."? Seriously? At least "spoony bard" and "son of a submariner" are funny. My biggest worry is that Square-Enix will try to shoehorn material from Crisis Core into it, and nobody wants to see that.

Is there going to be a remake? Of course there is. Don't be dumb. They'd be stupid not to do it with so many fans demanding it. Hell, a couple of Square-Enix employees have let it slip in the past that the remake IS being made. I'm not worried, folks. We may have to wait for the 20th anniversary in 2017, but I have no doubts that we'll see our coveted remake one day. I'd rather wait a few years and see it done right than pressure Squeenix into putting out an unpolished inferior product.

COUGHFINALFANTASYXIVCOUGH

Whew... pardon me. Now, if you'll excuse me, daddy duties and school await.

DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH DUH-DUN DUH-DUN-D--

Oh, shut up!

Oh No! There Goes Tokyo!

2011-09-11T09:30:00.003-05:00

GO GO SCOTTZILLA!
For those of you who haven't seen the awesomeness that is Scott crawling for the first time, here you go.

It's official: Nothing in our house is safe now.

I'm Not Dead.

2011-08-16T11:24:00.003-05:00

The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Where have I been? Busier than a cat burying shit on a tin roof, as my father always says. The truth is this has been the busiest summer I've had in a long time and, as a result, this blog has been sorely neglected. Get ready for a long list of excuses...

1. CONvergence - Ho-lee shit, what a party! I kicked off the con with the best Post-Apocalyptic Survival Panel I've ever done. The audience was huge and a fantastic bunch of folks. There were lots of questions and great input from them. Now it wouldn't be a good panel if a few people didn't get bent out of shape and walk out, and there were certainly a few of those. But for every person that walked out, it seemed one or two walked in to replace them. I had no trouble finding five willing volunteers to participate in the unlabeled can game. In fact I think roughly thirty hands shot up when I asked for volunteers. When it was all over my helpers and I rained fifty Twinkies on the crowd. I think I accidentally pegged a few people in the head with a couple, but what the hell... they're soft.

The zombie and vampire panels were equally fun. I had the honor (and pleasant surprise) of sitting next to Edward Douglas of the band Midnight Syndicate (check them out) on the vampire panel. I can't wait to hang out with Edward at next year's con. Oh, yeah, I'm definitely going back next year, whether they invite me to speak again or not.

While there I got the chance to party with my editor S.D. Hintz and sampled absinthe with the likes of R. Scott McCoy, MontiLee Stormer, and Rob Callahan. A great and friendly bunch to party with. Just another experience I can't wait to repeat next year, but I think next time I'll skip the absinthe.

2. School - As you might recall, I took summer classes this year in order to get enough credits to graduate in May. I took Introduction to the Bible and the dreaded Elementary Algebra. I'm glad to report that I came out of both classes in fine shape. I finished Intro to the Bible with an A and Algebra with a B, which surprised the hell out of me. My GPA currently sits at 3.9, much to my relief. In a couple weeks I'll be returning to class with a full load. For sixteen weeks I'll be diving into "Math for Liberal Arts," "Public Speaking," "Introduction to Theatre," and "Mythological & Biblical Literature."

3. Pulpfest - To celebrate the 80th anniversary of The Shadow, my dad and I traveled to Columbus, Ohio to attend Pulpfest. It was definitely an adventure, filled with insane road construction detours, fleabag motels, and crazies (namely the asshole staying across the hall from us at the Rodeway Inn). The dealer's room made me feel like a kid in a candy store, making me want to start buying Powerball tickets in hopes of being able to afford the first editions of The Gunslinger; Starship Troopers; I, Robot; Ender's Game; and Dracula on display there, not to mention the thousands of pulp magazines for sale.

4. Writing - Of course I've also been writing. I have two pet projects this summer, the first of which you're all already quite familiar with by now. I've been giving E.R.A. - Earth Realm Army a much needed overhaul. A friend pointed out some big problems with the manuscript that have been plaguing me for a couple of years now, and gave me the ideas needed to fix it. The 'script is now almost twenty pages leaner and the pace is much quicker. I think it's almost ready to send back out, but first I'm going to have some friends in the business give it one last once-over.

The second project is the Weller novel, which I estimate I'm almost halfway through. I'm writing this novel exclusively on my iPad, which eliminates the problem of being tied to a desk, but also creates some new challenges, namely the iPad's glitchy autocorrect function. Overall, though, I'm enjoying the experience. I'm hoping to have a finished first draft by the beginning of winter. The novel's dark, gritty, thought-provoking, and brutal... just the way I like it. I think you'll all be pleased with the end result. In the meantime, check out the short story that inspired the novel, available on Kindle and Nook for a mere 99 cents.

5. Fatherhood - Scott's really been keeping me on my toes, more so than Logan ever did. The little guy turned six months old yesterday. He's eating baby food, cereal, and just cut his first tooth, which adds to the fussiness factor. He's starting to sit unsupported (if someone puts him there first) and is getting ready to crawl. He kind of scoots along the floor (mostly backwards) and is just starting to get up on his knees. It's only a matter of time until he starts crawling around the house. He's also starting to babble more and those sounds are slowly starting to sound like the beginnings of words. I think we're only a month or less away from hearing "MA MA."

We've also been getting the older boys ready for school. Logan starts Kindergarten this year and Zavier will be entering Sixth Grade, which makes this his final year at the elementary. Next year he moves to the high school. If he's worried, he's sure not showing it.

Speaking of the children, the youngest one is on the floor demanding to be fed, so now I must leave you to sling mashed up sweet potatoes and bananas. Enjoy the rest of your summer, and don't be a stranger. I promise to do the same.

RIP, Peter Falk

2011-06-25T19:48:00.002-05:00

Peter Michael Falk, 1927-2011

Though my mother will mourn the loss of Columbo, I and the rest of the fannish community mourn the loss of the storytelling grandfather from The Princess Bride.

Not knowing he had just passed away, I watched the film with my middle son on Thursday. I encourage you to do the same. Your children will thank you.

My 2011 E3 Thoughts

2011-06-07T16:02:00.007-05:00

Okay, since Blogger and YouTube aren't cooperating I had to take out all of the embedded videos and replace them with links. Not as pretty, but it works. Enjoy.

Well, the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3) is going on right now, and the three major press conferences are over. What has me excited? Pissed off? Apathetic? Let's see.

Nintendo
This was the biggie for me, as well as many of the E3 attendees and viewers this year. Nintendo unveiled its console successor to the Wii. What's it called? Well, there was a lot of speculation (most of it just pulled straight from the asses on uninformed bloggers). Stream, Cloud, Beem, Wii 2, and even simply "Nintendo" were a few of the names I saw thrown around.

Are you ready for this? It's called the "Wii U."

Seriously. No, really! That's what they're calling it. "Wii U."

I don't know about you, but I'd love to see the list of names they turned down if that's the best they could come up with. I seriously hope between now and launch that the Nintendo marketing department wakes the hell up and makes the smart choice, which is change the name to something that doesn't sound like a damn siren.

So what do we know about it? Honestly? Not a whole hell of a lot. Nintendo seems to be adopting the X-Files: I Want To Believe philosophy of marketing, i.e. don't tell the fans shit. We do know that it's backwards compatible with the Wii and its controllers/accessories, we know it is high definition (1080p), and... well... that's about it. Nintendo's not even giving us a price, which judging by that fancy shmancy controller is probably going to be A LOT.

Here's the demo of the Wii U's controller. (Click to view on YouTube)
See what I mean? That bad boy's gonna cost a pretty penny. However, I think the utilization of existing Wii accessories is a VERY smart move.

The verdict? I'll buy it. I'll just call it my Wii 2 when in the company of others.

Next up is the 3DS. I'm actually a little miffed at Nintendo for giving me a reason to buy this goddamned gimmicky handheld. Before this morning I absolutely refused to buy one, but the revelation that my beloved Megaman Legends 3 will be a 3DS exclusive and the announcement of the following game sealed the deal.

Luigi's Mansion 2 (Click to view on YouTube)
Really, Nintendo? Luigi's Mansion 2 on the 3DS? I really think they dropped the ball on this by not putting it on the Wii or Wii U where it belongs, but I'm a Luigi's Mansion fiend, so well played, Nintendo. This alone will motivate me to buy a 3DS. Well, that and the Game Boy virtual console.

Crafty bastards.

Mario Kart 3D (Click to view on YouTube)
Mario Kart Wii really sold me on the series, and now the improvements they've made to it with this installment really have me chomping at the bit to play. The seamless transition from land to sea to air and back is a great addition to an already fun game.

Sony
Ah, Sony, I never lost faith in you. Yes, the Welcome Back package could be a little better, but I think I was more than sufficiently compensated for the inconvenience of no PSN for over a month. So let's see what goodies are coming for my beloved PS3.

Final Fantasy XIII-2 (Click to view on YouTube)
Really? A sequel? Already. Yup. Square-Enix is really dragging their feet on that Final Fantasy VII remake, but they already pumped this out. I suppose it's intended to make up for some of XIII's shortcomings, but having Sara as a main playable character is making me a little leery. S-E promises this will be an improvement, so I guess we'll have to wait and see. Now, quit fucking around and get to work on Final Fantasy XV, you bastages!

Star Trek (Click to view on YouTube)
The 2009 Star Trek reboot film made a fan out of me. Before that I had a pretty lukewarm attitude towards Star Trek, but this rekindled my love for it. I can't wait for the new movie and this game, which looks like it will be awesome!

Tomb Raider (Click to view on YouTube)
I hate Tomb Raider. Always have. But this reboot is really changing my view on the long-running series. I was shocked and pleased to learn that Square-Enix has taken over the franchise. This game makes Lara Croft something she's never been either in a game or a film... human. THAT I can get behind. (HA HA... Multiple entendre!)

Assassin's Creed Revelations (Click to view on YouTube)
Awww, ye-ah! This is the icing on the cake, kids. I'm a huge Assassin's Creed junkie, and the cliffhanger ending of Brotherhood left me begging for more. The return of Altair as a playable character alone is worth the price of admission. Oh, and since I know you're wondering, here is the music used in the trailer.

Sony also unveiled the next generation handheld "Vita." This seems to be the year of bad product names. It does seem to be a step up from the disaster that was the PSP Go, but I just can't get too excited about it. Maybe once it has more of an established library, but until then... Meh.
Here's a demo vid for the Vita. (Click to view on YouTube)

Microsoft Xbox

Some good things coming to Xbox this year. It seems Microsoft is finally coming through on some of the promises they made for the Kinect as a user interface. Live TV is coming to Xbox Live which really excites me since this apparently opens up the possibility of subscribing to individual cable channels instead of getting a bunch of useless shit. I also like the idea of ditching my antenna since this new digital thing really does not work over the air.

Anyway, here are some of the things Microsoft is doing that make me genki.

Halo 4 (Click to view on YouTube)
Yeah, baby! The Chief is back! And on a related note...

Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary (Click to view on YouTube)
This is something I've been hoping for for a couple years now. Some gamers are crying because of the perceived lack of originality on Microsoft's part, but I think this is something that needed to happen. Halo: Combat Evolved is a masterpiece, but when compared side by side with even Halo 2, its graphics don't hold up. Halo isn't just fun, it's stylistically beautiful, which is why I think the first installment deserved (note: deserved, not needed) a remake.

Kinect Star Wars (Click to view on YouTube)
Ever wonder what happened to that Star Wars game they promised us for Kinect at the LAST E3? I did too. Well, it looks like they improved upon it greatly (as I hoped they would). It's looking better, but can we find a better way to activate the saber than shouting "Lightsaber on!"?

Sesame Street: Once Upon a Monster (Click to view on YouTube)
What?! I have kids. Don't judge me. Seriously though, I think Logan and I (and eventually Scott) could have a lot of fun with this.

Dance Central 2 (Click to view on YouTube)
I won't lie. I love Dance Central. Unfortunately my bad ankle has a differing opinion. It didn't like it when I tried to Superman dat ho and threatened to snap in half. Two awesome points about this game: 1. All of the tracks from the original Dance Central are importable, which is awesome because I've already bought five DLC songs for the game, and 2. Simultaneous dancing so Jess and I can dance onscreen at the same time. This is something we've been hoping for for quite a while.

So that's it. If there's anything I forgot I'll either update this post or post a supplemental one to cover additional topics. With a sick baby demanding my attention, it's hard to keep track of things.

Let me know what you think of these titles/consoles, or your thoughts on anything you saw (or didn't see) at E3 this year in the comments below.

The Weller: Land of Plenty Book Trailer

2011-05-21T20:23:00.002-05:00

Check it out, folks! The shiny new book trailer for The Weller: Land of Plenty, put together by S.D. Hintz.

I love the music. I keep playing it over and over while I work.

You can purchase Land of Plenty for a cool 99 cents for your Kindle or Nook. All royalties earned from this story until the end of the year will be donated to charity in order to build wells for those in need and fight corporate water piracy worldwide.

Land of Plenty on Nook and Kindle

2011-05-18T10:32:00.005-05:00

Nook and Kindle users now have a more convenient way to enjoy The Weller: Land of Plenty. The short story is now available on the Nook and Kindle Stores at a new low price of just 99 cents.

Click here for the Nook edition.

Click here for the Kindle edition.

Remember, all royalties from this story until the end of 2011 will be donated to charity:water to help build wells in impoverished areas. This is my contribution to the fight against corporate water piracy.

You can also help by donating to my Weller for Wells campaign, which will go to the exact same cause.

Matt Freeborn is scouring the wastelands of western Iowa for water and gasoline to replenish his dwindling stocks. He encounters a town where his precious water, the universal currency of the wastes, is shunned and everybody in town seems to want him dead. Matt must unravel the mystery of this veritable land of plenty if he ever hopes to get back out alive.

Semi-Annual Pat On The Back

2011-05-11T17:09:00.000-05:00

Another term has come and gone, and the results are in.

I dropped my History of Rock & Roll class on account of the professor being a complete fucking idiot. Hey, it happens.

I didn't find Science Fiction & Fantasy Literature quite as stimulating as I'd hoped, but I still had fun and was introduced to some great SF. Would I recommend it? Sure, as long as the instructor cracks open some Heinlein or Bradbury before he attempts it again.

Introduction to Forensic Investigation was fun, but also not quite as stimulating as I'd hoped. I was amazed by how much the crime dramas on TV got right, which is roughly 50%. Was it worth it? Eh, maybe. I know I definitely would never pursue a career in the field, but I was able to glean enough from it to make the crime scene/investigation portions of my books more accurate and detailed.

So the results?

Science Fiction & Fantasy Literature - 96.88% "A"
Introduction to Forensic Investigation - 96.75% "A"

Next up, I'll be taking summer classes. Over the course of the summer I'll be taking Introduction to the Bible and I'll also be trying Elementary Algebra again. It'll be interesting to see if I can juggle two classes along with the work I'm doing on the Weller novel and my four-day trip to CONvergence in July. If past performances are any indicator, I think I'll do just fine.

The Best Birthday Gift You Could Give Me

2011-05-10T13:18:00.006-05:00

This year, on May 27th, I'll be turning thirty years old. A couple of people have already asked me what I want for my birthday. Well, I'm going to come right out and say it:

I want water.

Not for me, you understand. No, I have plenty. What I want is for others less fortunate than me to have access to clean, pure drinking water. And you can help.

How? Simple. You can help by making a donation to my Weller for Wells campaign instead of buying me material gifts. My goal is to raise $5,000. That's enough to dig one well for 250 people. That's 50 families. That's an entire community! Think about that for a second. You could be a part of that.

It doesn't take much. I'm not passing the collection plate here. Anything helps; you'd be amazed how fast it will all add up.

So, why "Weller for Wells?"

Are you familiar with my short story The Weller: Land of Plenty? It's just a small part of a larger series of books and short stories I'm working on. In it, a Weller named Matt Freeborn scours the wastelands of post-WWIII America searching for clean potable water to both trade and survive on. Along the way he encounters mutants, road pirates, corporate water-mercs, and other hazards. These stories started as simple science fiction to me, but when I started researching the water crisis (and it IS a crisis) I realized my vision of the future isn't as far off as I originally thought. As many as 1 BILLION people don't have access to clean drinking water, and they don't have the neat toys Matt does to help them. So I want to help.

So what do I get out of this?

I'm glad you asked, because there's no need to come out of this empty handed. Aside from the "Weller for Wells" campaign, I'm offering another way to help. Between now and the end of the year, I will donate ALL of my royalties from the sales of The Weller: Land of Plenty to charity:water, the organization backing "Weller for Wells." For just $1.99 you'll get the short story in three electronic formats: PDF, mobi, and epub. These are DRM-free files that can be viewed on Kindle, Nook, Sony e-Reader, iPad, and even your PC or Mac.

Help bring a smile to my face on my birthday by bringing a smile to someone else's. Donate to the Weller for Wells campaign, or download your copy of The Weller: Land of Plenty today.

Out of Context #28

2011-05-08T14:31:00.004-05:00

Overheard during a conversation between Adam's mother and brother-in-law-to-be Mark today:

Mark: I can't find the hole!

Out of Context #27

2011-05-07T00:54:00.002-05:00

Overheard during a Skype session with horror author Andrew Wolter:

Adam: There's only room in these jeans for one bulge, bitch!

OH NOES! The Digital Sky Is Falling!

2011-04-22T21:07:00.007-05:00

If you own a Playstation 3 or PSP, or if you read my blog early this morning, then you're probably aware that the Playstation Network has been down for roughly two and a half days now. True to form, the Internet has exploded with gamers pitching shit fits because they can't log on to play Portal 2 or Mortal Kombat online.

To this I say: "BOO FUCKING HOO!"

I own a PS3, and I just bought Mortal Kombat, but I'm not worried. You know why? Because my game works just fine without online functionality, thank you very much. I've been playing the hell out that game for the past twenty-four hours and I haven't once felt a burning desire to go online and beat the crap out of some preteen in New Jersey. And if I'd bought Portal 2 my position on the subject wouldn't change one iota.

Why am I not worried? Because it's a free service, that's why. If this was Xbox Live, which I pay for, I'd be pissed. But it's not, so I'm fine waiting for Sony to fix the problem. And what about those that subscribe to Playstation Plus? Fuck 'em. Playstation Plus is a goddamned ripoff. And anyone dumb enough to pay for something that's already free deserves what they get.

The net's abuzz with articles like this one, all demanding "an explanation" from Sony. One article called the outage "a disaster for Sony." Analysts are debating the "long-term effects" this outage will have on Sony. Many are saying that this will drive up sales of Xbox 360 games. You know what? It won't. I promise you that. I own both systems, plus a Wii. I knew about the outage before I bought MK, and I still bought the PS3 version. Do you know why?

Because you don't give two shits about online play?

Well, yes, but we covered that already. No, it's because PS3 gamers get an added bonus: Kratos. I can't speak for Portal 2 players (I do plan to get it eventually), but with Kratos being a PS3 exclusive and there not being any 360 equivalent I don't think those who initially planned on buying MK for PS3 are going to be swayed by something as trivial as a temporary outage.

As for Sony owing the public "an explanation" and needing to "own up"... get fucked. BP owed the public an explanation. , George W. Bush owed the public an explanation. This is NOT something to get worked up over. Shit happens... shit breaks... life goes on... eventually shit gets fixed. So until Sony gets their shit together, just play a little single player. Or better yet, why not read a book? I can recommend a good one.

My point is this shit needs to stop. The concept of "go do something else" seems to have disappeared, and I'm not sure who or what to blame this on. Thoughts?

Meet My Date For The Evening

2011-04-22T01:09:00.006-05:00

Just the way I like 'em: tall, dark-haired, scantily-clad, and wielding sais.

You know, I really thought the Mortal Kombat franchise was dead, but I'm happy to say I was dead wrong. I had no intention of buying another MK, or really any fighting game for that matter, ever again. They just lost their appeal. But then after seeing a trailer on YouTube I downloaded the demo of Mortal Kombat for PS3.

Ho-lee shit!

I just couldn't pass it up. Neither could my wife. In fact, she's the one that insisted I get it. She doesn't play it, mind you, she just thinks it's a lot of fun to watch. And she's right. The graphics are beautiful, the kombat (er... combat) is fluid, the moves are brutal, and most importantly... the moves are listed on the pause screen... including Fatalities. BINGO!

No more eye strain from tiny manual print. No more looking up move lists on the Internet and printing them out. No fumbling with reams of paper covered in arrows and non-sense letters. Just a simple move list at the touch of a button. How's that for a slice of fried gold? And on top of it, the moves are (for the most part) very easy to remember. There's also none of that "forward, forward, back, back" garbage. No, no. When you look up moves, the arrows are shown for the direction your character is facing.

Best sixty bucks I've spent in a long time. I've already beaten the game once this evening in Ladder Mode on medium difficulty with Sub-Zero, and I'm about forty-five minutes into the surprisingly engaging and addictive Story Mode. I haven't tried the online multiplayer yet because the Playstation Network is apparently suffering from an outage that could last up to two more days. Naturally the Internet is up in arms about this and every twelve-year-old pimple farmer with a PS3 is crying for blood. I'll cover this topic in the morning, because I really do feel it needs addressing, but for now it's time for bed.

Caw Caw! BANG! Fuck, my childhood's dead!

2011-04-14T16:46:00.002-05:00

Wow, it's been a loooong time since I've railed against remakes on this blog. And since news of a new remake seems to come out every day, something truly horrible would have to emerge before I'd hop on this old soapbox again, right? Right.

Proving that nothing is ever sacred, Hollywood has decided to dig up and violate The Crow. As you probably know this was the film that accidentally claimed the life of Brandon Lee, utilizing stunt doubles and CGI to finish the film.

Now, the remake is supposedly going to star A-Team star Bradley Cooper in the lead as Eric Draven. Now, let's get something straight. I really liked Cooper's performance in The A-Team. I really did. I'm pretty sure I haven't seen his other films, but I still have a hard time seeing him putting on the face paint. Could he do it? Eh, possibly. To be honest after seeing Brandon Lee's earlier work, like Laser Mission, The Crow was quite a departure for him. And we see how that turned out. With a script penned by Nick Cave, this might be worth while, but do we really want to take that chance?

The Crow film series has been a string of disasters. City of Angels was butchered in the editing room and the story was completely lost in the process, Salvation's villain was just god awful (which was unfortunate because it was otherwise a great sequel) plus it was the first installment to go straight to video, and Wicked Prayer... Brrrrrrr!!! Christ, I don't know which performance fucked that movie up more, Dennis Hopper's or David Boreanaz's.

Casting issues aside, I just don't want to see this done. I think The Crow deserves to be left alone. Leave the fans with this one shining gem to remember our hero Brandon by. I'll take a sequel. Hell, I'll take twenty sequels if they're done correctly. I can think of a couple Crow novels and short stories published in the late 90s that would make great films. I once heard rumors of an animated remake, based more closely on the original comic. Now that I would gladly take. Not only that, but do it in black and white just like the book.

Hey now, there's an idea. Any chances of this remake being done in Sin City-esque black and white? I might just change my mind in that case.

Thoughts?

Hell Has Frozen Over... Again

2011-04-13T00:01:00.007-05:00

I'm really starting to wonder if I have any integrity left, or if I'm just starting to pull my head out of my ass. My longtime readers will probably remember that at the very start of this blog's life I wrote a rant about the stupidity of Twitter and swore to never use it. Yeah, I also said that about the Playstation 3, and we all saw where that got me.

Well, I decided to join the rest of the world in the Twenty-first Century and created a Twitter account. Why? Why the hell not?

These days writers need to utilize as many outlets for promotion and networking as possible. Why not take advantage of what is probably the most popular of those outlets? I remember I resisted Facebook at first, thinking MySpace was the way to go. Jesus Christ, remind me to never play the stock market. I'd be homeless in a week.

So I invite you to follow me on Twitter. Just go to: @AdamJWhitlatch. Will I always be interesting? Well I promise you I'll never tweet about what kind of coffee I'm drinking.

(It's french vanilla.)

Happy St. Patrick's Say

2011-03-17T09:14:00.003-05:00

Do the responsible thing... wear green. Seriously, be safe and drink responsibly. Happy St. Patty's Day, everyone.

(NOTE: Yes, I realize the title of the post says St. Patrick's "SAY." It's green beer day... sue me.)

Out of Context #26

2011-03-13T10:58:00.002-05:00

Overheard in the car between Adam J. Whitlatch and his wife Jessica last night:

Adam: Have you got the crabs?

Jessica: Yup. They're between my legs.

Amen, Reverend.

2011-03-09T21:41:00.004-06:00

This gentleman is now my personal hero.

It's hard being a teacher these days, what with the events unfolding in Wisconsin right now. But I think it's just as hard on those of us studying to become teachers, such as my sister and myself. It makes us wonder if the future we're pursuing is really worth it. I still think it is. Being a public school administrator's son I know exactly what I'm getting myself into, and I also know what's wrong with the system. So I plan to fix it.

Are there bad teachers? Abso-frakkin'-lutely. More than you can shake a stick at, which is exactly the reason why I'm studying to become a teacher. I want to make a difference. I had some god-awful teachers in high school, bitter old bitches that should never have been allowed to step foot in a classroom. But I also had wonderful teachers, and some that it took me ten years to realize how great they were, but my rebellious, selfish sixteen-year-old attitude wouldn't let them in. Better late than never.

"Those that can, do; those who can't, teach?" No. More like, "Those who can, share their knowledge; those who can't, criticize." Hence why there's no shortage of critics on the internet. :)

Who Needs Sleep?

2011-02-20T12:42:00.002-06:00

Not me, apparently. I can handle the fussiness, the yucky diapers, etc. But, oh God, the sleepless nights! When Logan was Scott's age it wasn't such a big deal, because back then I was recently unemployed and had nothing to do during the day but work on the first Blood Raven book. Now, however, I have school work AND my writing to concentrate on, plus I just remembered a commissioned writing job I took on back in October that I need to finish by March 1st.

Last night I realized that, no, Scott ISN'T up all night, I'm just not dreaming during my two-hour catnaps between feedings, so I'm not getting all of the healthy benefits of real deep sleep. I'm a real light sleeper to begin with. Throw in a hungry newborn and you have a zombie Daddy in the morning.

Am I whining? A little. Am I complaining? No. I knew what I was getting into when Jess and I decided to have another baby. I'll eventually adjust, just like I did with Logan. The problem is now Jess came up with the brilliant idea of keeping a log of feedings, so we can't fool each other into extra nighttime feedings by claiming we "took the last one - you slept through it, so it's your turn." That shit won't fly this time around. Oh well, it was a good idea at the time, right?

So how's the baby, you ask? Doing very well, thank you. His feedings are becoming more frequent and regular. He's usually taking a full two ounces every 2-3 hours now. He looks around a lot, doesn't rely too much on his binkie, and really enjoys "tummy time." All in all, a healthy, happy baby boy. He's taking a nap right now, so Jess is taking the opportunity to clean the house while I try to get caught up on my school work I've fallen behind on this week. Don't worry, I got extensions from all of my professors, I'd just like to get my work done without having to rely on them.

So, back to work. If you'd like to see some pics of Scott, click here. Enjoy

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!

2011-02-15T21:58:00.005-06:00

Scott Allen Whitlatch was born at 7:32pm tonight. He weighs a whooping 9 lbs 0.1 ounces and measures out to 19.5 inches. He's gotten his first bottle and is sleeping rather contentedly at the moment while Mommy and I watch some TV.

Labor Day!!!

2011-02-15T16:31:00.002-06:00

Well, today seems to be the big day. Jess and I are at the hospital now and the baby should be here within the next couple of hours. More details and pics will come as soon as I have them, but that might not be until tomorrow since all I have with me is the iPad. Wish us luck, folks.

CONvergence 2011

2011-02-11T10:53:00.003-06:00

Well, it is now official, I'm going to be a guest at this year's CONvergence convention in Minneapolis. I'm going to be driving up in the new van with KHP co-editor Jerrod Balzer and Bazooko's Circus's favorite road trip co-pilot, G.D. Hamilton.

I got confirmation from the concom this morning about my panels, so here's the list:

Post-Apocalyptic Survival - The bombs have fallen... now what? Where do you go? Who can you trust? How will you survive? Author Adam J. Whitlatch discusses strategies to survive after civilization falls. Audience participation! Prizes! (That's right... I said PRIZES!)

Fast vs. Slow Zombies - Are zombies scarier when they are running? Shambling? Standing there doing nothing? Do you like your zombies fast or slow? Exploring the rising argument between the zombie camps.

Vampires: When did they stop being monsters? - When did vampires go from being blood-sucking predatory monsters to safe cuddly momma's boys? And should they stay that way? Come out and join the discussion.

So there's the list. After getting a sneak peak at the programming list I can safely say this will be a fantastic convention with lots of great panels and speakers. So pack your bags in July and come see me. And while you're there come to the Post-Apocalyptic Survival panel and win some prizes... or don't you have the guts?

Baby Watch - T Minus Twelve Days

2011-02-10T08:09:00.004-06:00

Well, we have less than two weeks to go until our newest addition, Scott Allen, is expected to arrive. As we get closer to the 22nd Jess and I are getting more and more anxious by the day. Right about now I'd give anything for a good night's sleep. Have you ever tried sleeping with a very pregnant woman? It's not easy, let me tell you.

On a positive note, the crib, changing table, and car seats are all put together, cleaned, and ready for the baby. Half of our bedroom has been turned into a nursery. In a nutshell, we're ready for baby.

Jess's co-workers have started an office pool for the baby's birthday. I won't even speculate about the birth date, since I know damn well that the baby will NOT come when I am expecting it. Just like with Logan five years ago, this baby will catch me in sweatpants, bleary-eyed, and over twenty-five miles away from the hospital. We're just hoping the baby doesn't come while Jess is at work since right now we're down to one vehicle. It seems Jess's 1995 Chevy Corsica with over 200,000 miles on it is ready to retire.

Hopefully this weekend Jess's new car will arrive (a 2000 Pontiac Grand Prix). Right now it's getting the final once over from the family mechanic, my brother Perry. Last week we replaced our 2004 Chevy Venture with a 2006 Pontiac Montana SV6, and let me tell you we couldn't be happier. That Venture handled like shit on snow and ice, but this Montana doesn't fuck around. This baby's gonna ride in style!

So what's you're prediction for the baby's arrival date? Post your guess in the comment section below.

The First Year is the Hardest

2011-01-18T13:44:00.005-06:00

Hello. My name is Adam, and I'm addicted to caffeine.

"Hi, Adam!"

No, seriously, I'm much better now. It has officially been a full year since I had a Mountain Dew, or any caffeinated beverage for that matter. A year ago I made a decision to take control of my weight and overall health by cutting out my excessive soda consumption. The key to this, I knew, was kicking my addiction to caffeine. No craving, no endless sugar consumption. This wasn't easy, since a lot of people in my life tried to switch me to coffee.

They missed the point.

I used to drink up to eight cans of Mountain Dew a day, and when I didn't have access to it I suffered headaches, irritability, and the shakes. I actually reached the point where I needed caffeine to sleep! I had the fever, and all the cowbell in the world wasn't going to cure it. So I ignored all of the idiots trying to stand in my way of better health and switched to water and decaffeinated iced tea. The first month was hell, but I saw an immediate drop in my weight without the literally thousands of calories I was guzzling every day.

As for weight loss, did I reach the goals I set for myself last year? No, I did not. But I did lose over thirty pounds and have managed to keep it off. I call that a victory, and I assure you that the war is far from over.

Most people will tell you caffeine is nothing, that it's easy to kick. To those assholes I say this: Try it sometime! A good chunk of the people that made fun of me for "kicking" caffeine had open bottles of Mountain Dew in their hands when they did it.

So, have I given up soda entirely? Not entirely. I do occasionally treat myself to a Sprite, Squirt, or root beer since none of those have caffeine. I'm able to limit myself very well and will probably have one glass a month. Iced tea with Splenda is my drink of choice these days, not to mention the ol' Weller special.

Trust me, folks. You don't need coffee to get you moving in the morning. You don't need Mountain Dew to keep you on the road at night. You don't need NoDoz to get you through the work day. That's the caffeine talking. Kick it. Both your body and your bank account will thank you.

Snack Attack!!! - Random Craving

2011-01-12T15:20:00.005-06:00

Ever get a random craving that there's no way you can possibly satisfy it? Yeah, that's where I'm at right now. About twenty-one years ago when I lived in Malvern, IA, we used to eat at Runza a lot. Hell, even the school cafeteria served the things. What is a Runza, you ask? Good question. It's basically a sandwich pocket. And from the picture, as you can see, they've expanded the selection since I was last there. Mmmmm... mushroom n' swiss!

There's just one problem. For the most part Runzas are a Nebraska thing, and I live in southeastern Iowa. Normally I'd grab my ol' buddy G.D. Hamilton and declare a road trip, but I think we can both agree a January road trip across Iowa is not advisable. Not for a sandwich, anyway, no matter how nummy. Besides, I hate driving on I-80 even in good weather.

Iowa needs more restaurants, dammit! I'm all about Chinese food, but c'mon, people! Let's get some freakin' diversity up in this mother! And while we're at it, can we close down a few of these KFC locations and put in a Popeye's or three? Just sayin'.

2011 - The Year of the Zombie

2011-01-01T00:01:00.003-06:00

Well the votes are in and my readers have spoken. Today marks the beginning of The 2011 Resident Evil Challenge! Resident Evil took 47% of the vote, with Megaman coming in at 40%.

I'm going to begin the challenge by tackling the Gamecube remake of the original Resident Evil. I've started the game several times, but keep getting distracted. Well this year all that's going to change.

Here's the list of games I plan to tackle this year:

Resident Evil Zero
Resident Evil (Gamecube remake)
Resident Evil 2
Resident Evil 3: Nemesis
Resident Evil: Code Veronica X
Resident Evil 4
Resident Evil 5
Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles
Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles

So Happy New Year, everybody. Be safe and have a drink for me.

Zombies or Robots - Your Call

2010-12-31T10:46:00.003-06:00

Well, today's the day - the day we find out which game series I'll be playing for the 2011 Video Game Challenge. The voting seems to really be between only two of the titles, Resident Evil and Megaman, which are tied with 42% of the votes. Both Legend of Zelda and Metroid are trailing far behind at 8% with only one vote each, but of course that could change before midnight, couldn't it?

This is your last chance to vote in the poll to the right in the navbar since I'll be closing the poll at midnight central time tonight. In the event of a tie, I will draw the winner out of a hat.

Now, as for the results of the 2010 Final Fantasy Challenge, I came pretty damn close, but yet so far. School really hit me hard this semester, that and the rewrites on E.R.A. - Earth Realm Army. I still have Final Fantasy II, V, and VI to finish, but I have a pretty good head start on II and VI, so it won't be too hard to finish those off in my spare time this year.

Here's how much I got accomplished in one year:

X Final Fantasy
Final Fantasy II
X Final Fantasy III
X Final Fantasy IV
Final Fantasy V
Final Fantasy VI
X Final Fantasy VII
X Final Fantasy VIII
X Final Fantasy IX
X Final Fantasy X
X Final Fantasy X-2
X Final Fantasy XII
X Final Fantasy XIII

Ten games out of thirteen. Not too shabby, especially when I compete with a five year old and and ten year old for couch time. I'm very pleased with my results since this challenge gave me the opportunity to go back and finish several games I'd abandoned due to weariness of XP grinding. I love RPGs, I really, really do... but after a while you just can't take the grinding anymore. Sometimes you just need to shoot something in real time, and that's something both of the leading contenders for this year's challenge can offer me.

So vote now, folks, because this is your last chance. You get to decide what game will dominate my consoles over the next 365 days. Cast your vote in the poll to the right and have a safe and happy new year. See you in 2011!

Love Letters #1

2010-12-29T23:26:00.008-06:00

What!? Another new segment? Of course. We like to keep things fresh here at Bazooko's Circus. In this segment, I showcase letters and emails I receive and then I edit and grade them. This particular letter comes from the Internet's favorite whackadoo: Nickolaus Pacione!

First, some context for the letter from my friend and editor Jerrod Balzer's blog: http://jerrodbalzer.com/love-nickolaus-pacione/

And now, the letter (my notes in red):

Next time you talk shit about me around (On, not around. I was clearly ON the site.) Jerrod Balzer's site, know a little bit about the back history why I did (The correct verb here would be "wrote.") that kind of e-mail to him (I do. You have a limited knowledge of copyright law). The slanderous drunken (Jerrod never drinks... wine.) fat fuck is promoting a (Unnecessary determiner) goddamned (two words, Nicky) plagiarism of my science ffiction (one "f") series that I call Lake Fossil. Do you really want to really (Redundant use of "really.") associate Lake Fossil with Brian Keene or do you want it to be asscoiated (it's spelled "associated") with the person who truly created the science fiction series (To be honest, I don't give a shit either way. This is YOUR problem, Baby Bear, not mine.).

If you say the other -- you deserved (Verb tense confusion) to be punched in the throat (Ow.) because you're pretty much locked (I'm not locked in. I can leave whenever I want to, but the gas station makes awesome pizza. So who'd want to?) into one of those backward hick towns like some faggot (I prefer the term "snappy dresser."). That domain the fat fuck linkeed (one "e," Nicky) up is a mockery of my publishing comapny (It's spelled "company." And you don't need any help from Jerrod to make a mockery of it. That's pretty much what the Internet is for these days.). I've put years into this company and I will not let Jerrod take a shit all over it (I don't blame you... he drops some nasty bombs. I think it's the chili. Mmmmm... chili.) -- he actually fucks with people with a mental illness on a regular basis so what I done (Wrong form of the verb "DO," Nicky.) is made it blow up back in his face.

So next time you slander (slander is SPOKEN, Nicky. And calling you a whackadoo is not slander. It's merely an insult. You're a big boy; you can take it.) the FUCK out of me (missing comma) backward (I have no problem walking forward, thank you.) hick (I prefer the term Appalachian American.), do your fucking reasearch (The correct spelling is "research.") and have an informed opinion (I did. I was informed by numerous sources that you are a complete whackadoo. That's an "informed opinion.") on me instead of looking at me in the light that fat fuck sees me as (In, not as.).

Well! That was fun, wasn't it, boys and girls? But I'm afraid this particular love letter is going to have to get a big, fat F. Try again, Nicky. I look forward to hearing from you. Sleep well, Baby Bear.

Merry Christmas 2010!!!

2010-12-25T08:14:00.002-06:00

Well, the big ZOMG! IT'S CHRISTMAS, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! winter storm seems to have passed by without either burying us or killing our electricity, so we'll be heading to the City of Five Seasons momentarily for Christmas with my wife's family. We had a small Whitlatch family get-together yesterday, but tomorrow will be a formal gathering with dinner and both of my siblings and their families there.

Since Zavier's at his dad's house for Christmas this year, some of the gifts at our house have to wait until we get home tonight to be opened (including the BIG family gift), but I guarantee they'll be worth the wait. PLUS, when Zavier gets home he'll be surprised to find his new bedroom all ready to go, completely furnished with a new bed, desk & chair, bookcase, and a 32" television with the old Xbox and a DVD player (these last three items used to be in the room the office now resides in, so they had to go SOMEWHERE).

Well, it's time for me to go upstairs and take the green bean casserole out of the oven and warm up the ol' front wheel drive sleigh for the trip to Grandma's house.

From all of us here at Bazooko's Circus have a very merry, and above all SAFE, holiday season.

Are you traveling this holiday season to visit friends or loved ones? How far? Let me know in the comment section below. Happy Holidays, everyone!!!

Nobody Wins

2010-12-21T21:01:00.002-06:00

This video makes a great statement about the classic Atari game Missile Command, as well as very profound statement about nuclear war in general. Being an author of post-apocalyptic fiction, specifically dealing with the effects of global nuclear war, this is a topic I think about quite often. Most people don't consider nuclear war a threat anymore, shrugging it off as an antiquated concept rooted firmly in the Cold War, but the threat is still very much real so long as two countries each possess a single nuke.

Think about that.

A Letter to All Wal-Mart Employees

2010-12-21T20:37:00.002-06:00

Dear Wal-Mart Site-To-Store Staff,

When looking for a customer's desk that weighs more than fifty (50) pounds, it would save both time and energy if you skipped the shoebox-sized packages and went straight to the big'uns.

Just sayin'.

Sincerely,
Adam J. Whitlatch

The Results Are In

2010-12-18T17:45:00.002-06:00

Well, another term is behind me and the results are in. This was a tough one in terms of workload and I found myself pretty overwhelmed at times, but I still managed to come out on top. I did, however, come out of this term with my first A-, which I'm very grateful for since I was sure it was going to be a B+.

Young Adult Literature was probably the most demanding in terms of workload with 20 novels to read and 20 accompanying book reports in a mere sixteen weeks. Though demanding, it was also the most informative and enjoyable for me.

In terms of actual difficulty, however, Fundamentals of English Grammar took the cake. I went into that class with only the knowledge I was able to teach myself over the past ten years through trial and error in my writing, along with observing other writers' styles. Now A LOT of concepts that had me scratching my head make perfect sense to me. There are also concepts that I don't think have any practical applications, but at least I understand them now. I've definitely come out of this class a much better writer.

Short Story class was just an insult. I came out of that one shouting, "Is that all you've got?"

So here are the results:

Short Story: 101.20% A
Young Adult Literature: 97.01% A
Fundamentals of English Grammar: 91.35 % A-

What's next, you ask? A bit more diversity and fun this time around. Here's my course schedule for Spring 2011:

Science Fiction and Fantasy Literature
Introduction to Forensic Investigation
The History of Rock 'N Roll

I'm very excited about all three and can't wait to dive in. Sci-Fi & Fantasy Lit is going to cover some of my favorites as well as a couple I've never read:

Dune by Frank Herbert
The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
The Gunslinger by Stephen King
The Time Machine by H.G. Wells
I, Robot by Isaac Asimov
Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

So what am I going to do with my whole month of downtime? Well, first of all, I'm moving my office down to the basement and giving this room to my ten-year-old stepson Zavier. With a new baby coming in a couple months, and considering his age, it's about time the boy has his own private space. So all this week my folks will be helping me work the basement over in preparation for this move. The plan is to have the rooms completely finished and Zavier's new furniture put together by the time he gets back from his father's house on Christmas Day. SSSSSHHHHHHH!!! Don't tell him.

Aside from that, I have some rewrites for E.R.A. to work on, so I'm going to be hitting those pretty hard over the next few weeks.

Be a Pal... Help a Friend... Get a Sweet Book

2010-12-15T00:19:00.004-06:00

My friend Jerrod Balzer is holding a benefit auction to help with our friend K.H. Koehler's mother's medical bills.

Up for grabs is this sweet (not to mention ultra rare) signed copy of The New Dead anthology, edited by Christopher Golden. Only 250 copies of this edition were ever made and they sold out very quickly. But don't despair... you can snag one on Ebay now.

Hell, I want it just for the cover! Seriously, this is the perfect gift for the horror fan in your life. (Hint Hint!) ;)

The New Dead
Edited by Christopher Golden

Dust jacket and color interior illustrations by Stephen Bissette
Black and white interior illustrations by Glenn Chadbourne

The 21st century has brought an explosion of interest in zombie stories. Tales of death and resurrection have never been so popular, from massive bestsellers like Max Brooks’ World War Z to dozens of young adult novels to comic book series like Robert Kirkman’s The Walking Dead and films like Shaun of the Dead. George A. Romero may have spawned the last century’s “modern” zombie story with Night of the Living Dead, but four decades have passed since then. So what accounts for the current zombie craze?

That is the question that the contributors to The New Dead were asked to ruminate upon while writing the stories in this volume. Do we turn to tales of intimacy with death to deal with its constant presence in our media and our lives? Do zombie stories provide a way to process our feelings about the horrors of war and torture? Or is it merely that death is the final frontier available to us in this new millennium, and we cannot help but explore?

Editor Christopher Golden set out to gather an eclectic array of writers from different corners of the fiction world--horror, fantasy, mystery, thriller, historical, and the literary mainstream--and the result is a fascinating, multi-faceted collection of tales from a stellar lineup of writers, including John Connolly, Joe Hill, Kelley Armstrong, Max Brooks, Tad Williams, Aimee Bender, David Liss, and many more. Join them within these pages for the last word on the new dead.

This Subterranean Press edition of The New Dead was limited to only 250 copies, with no lettered edition, and features a full color cover and four interior color plates by Stephen R. Bissette. In addition, Glenn Chadbourne contributed an original illustration to appear at the head of each story.

Table of Contents

“Lazarus” by John Connolly

“What Maisie Knew” by David Liss

“Copper” by Stephen R. Bissette

“In the Dust” by Tim Lebbon

“Life Sentence” by Kelley Armstrong

“Delice” by Holly Newstein

“Closure, LTD” by Max Brooks

“The Wind Cries Mary” by Brian Keene

“Family Business” by Jonathan Maberry

“The Zombie Who Fell From the Sky” by M.B. Homler

“My Dolly” by Derek Nikitas

“Second Wind” by Mike Carey

“Among Us” by Aimee Bender

“Ghost Trap” by Rick Hautala

“The Storm Door” by Tad Williams

“Kids and Their Toys” by James A. Moore

“Shooting Pool” by Joe R. Lansdale

“Weaponized” by David Wellington

“Twittering from the Circus of the Dead” by Joe Hill

Book Release Sneak Attack!!!

2010-12-12T23:15:00.003-06:00

Did I say 2011? My bad. Besides, what are you so upset about? Now my post-apocalyptic short story "The Weller: Land of Plenty" is available for immediate download just in time for Christmas!

Remember, for only $1.99 you get all three file formats (PDF, MOBI, and EPUB), so no matter what device you use for reading ebooks, you're sure to get one compatible with your device. I've already tried it on my iPad and it looks spectacular!

So what are you waiting for? Head on over to the Merchant's Keep and download your copy of "The Weller: Land of Plenty" now!

Go now or Matt Freeborn will come to your house and turn your head into a wet sloppy ashtray. Comprende?

The Dry Season Begins in 2011!

2010-12-11T14:44:00.008-06:00

This is it... the announcement so many of you have been waiting for. The first installment in my series of post-apocalyptic survival and action short stories "The Weller: Land of Plenty" has been picked up by KHP Publishers and will soon be available as an exclusive ebook from The Merchant's Keep online store.

Matt Freeborn is scouring the wastelands of western Iowa for water and gasoline to replenish his dwindling stocks when he encounters a town where his precious water, the universal currency of the wastes, is shunned and everybody in town seems to want him dead. Matt must unravel the mystery of this veritable land of plenty if he ever hopes to get back out alive.

"Land of Plenty" has been unavailable since May when it was taken out of print by the original publisher. The story will be available for a cool $1.99 and will be available in multiple formats. Whether you have a Kindle, Nook, Sony Reader, iPad, or just good ol' Adobe Acrobat on your PC, there's a format of "Land of Plenty" for you.

This story has it all: Muscle cars, action, suspense, thrills, chills, mutations, and a big fucking gun!

The story has been given a new, cleaner edit, with some new content not found in the previous publication. Best of all, the story features some fantastic new cover art by the very talented K.H. Koehler. For you monster fans out there, I highly recommend her young adult novel Raiju. Check it out.

Check back often for updates, release information, and news about future Weller releases.

Some Old Holiday Favorites

2010-12-11T10:34:00.003-06:00

I love YouTube. Do you know why? It's mostly because I can look up some of my favorite old shows or songs that aren't available anywhere else and then share them with my family. When I was a little boy living in this same house I remember having a big stack of Christmas LPs that Mom and Dad would drag out for me every December. There was one in particular that I really loved, but after moving so many times in the 90s I lost track of it somehow. I've searched crates of LPs for years and never come across it again. But last night on YouTube I stumbled across a familiar song and album cover. I'd found it: Santa Claus is Coming to Town by the Caroleers. Some saintly YouTuber not only uploaded my favorite song, but the entire album! And made a play list, too!

So I spent last night listening to old favorites like "Who's That Up On the Roof?," "The Christmas Tree That Ran Away," and probably the first ever science fiction-themed Christmas song "Three Hundred & Sixty-Four Days in the Year." Some of these songs are just downright hilarious and others are pretty touching. There's not a bad track on the entire album.

Thanks to the magic of the internet I invite you to pour yourself a glass of egg nog and relive my childhood with me by listening to the play list below:

What is your favorite holiday tune? Is there a certain album you remember from your own childhood? Feel free to share your songs, links, and memories in the comment section below. And it doesn't have to be Christmas-themed, either. There's more than one holiday during this season, you know.

About Time Somebody Said It

2010-12-08T23:54:00.003-06:00

I just stumbled across this on YouTube in the comment thread of a Three Days Grace video and had to share it. I get so fucking sick of the top two rated comments on every YouTube video these days being about either A. Justin Bieber, B. Some "clever" statement about the number of "dislikes" the video has received, or C. Some lame combination of both. For the past few months I have automatically given thumbs-downs to any and all comments that mention Justin Bieber or the dislike bar.

So here are the new laws of commenting on YouTube. It's really sad that this had to be said in the first place. I'm just glad that asinine practice of shouting "FIRST!" in comment threads has passed. I'm sure these will pass eventually as well... kind of like a kidney stone.

-The YouTube Decrees of Commenting-

I. Thou shall not make retarded-ass Bieber jokes.

II. Thou shall not comment on the dislike bar.

III. Thou shall not combine the first two decrees... EVER.

IV. Thou shall stay on subject when commenting.

V. Thou shall not beg like a bitch for thumbs-up.

VI. Thou shall try thy best to keep the moron level at a minimum.

VII. Thou shall spread the decrees, or face a lifetime of Justin Bieber spam comments and male enhancement ads.

P.S. I have no fucking idea what Justin Bieber is famous for, and I couldn't give a fuck less. Mentions of Justin Bieber in the comment thread will result in a swift, hard kick in the ding-ding.

Out of Context #25

2010-12-06T13:51:00.001-06:00

Overheard during a telephone conversation between Adam J. Whitlatch and G.D. Hamilton this afternoon:

Adam: Long-haired, buff Asian dudes aren't exactly coming out of my ass these days, y'know.

Gabe: These days?

Out of Context #24

2010-12-01T14:28:00.001-06:00

Overheard by G.D. Hamilton today at work during a conversation between two fuel desk clerks:

Female clerk: Yeah, they're real.

On Second Thought... Could Be Fun

2010-11-19T23:42:00.003-06:00

I've been a Green Hornet fan for years. I think I mentioned in a previous post that I have a deep love of old time radio shows. That was how I first same to hear of the Green Hornet. When I first started hearing rumors of a Green Hornet film back in my senior year of high school (1999. Yes, I'm old.) I got VERY excited. But then I learned the term "development hell."

I quickly gave up hope. The film adaptation of The Shadow didn't really go over well, and I figured Hollywood assumed a Green Hornet film would do about as well. When new reports about a film surfaced I was overjoyed. Then I heard Seth Rogan would be playing the title role.

My. Heart. Sank.

I don't like Seth Rogan. I don't find him even remotely funny. So I quickly dismissed The Green Hornet as being doomed to fail. Then I caught a trailer on YouTube. God help me, I actually AM excited to see this movie. I still don't think Rogan is the best choice to play Britt Reid/The Hornet, but I think his portrayal is a good modern take on the character. I'm still coming to grips with the movie being a comedy, but I think it'll work. I really, really do. The character of the Green Hornet as we know it is kind of bland by today's standard. Plus his weapon of choice, the gas gun, is just silly. That's a big reason why the trailer works for me... it pokes fun at the gas gun, while still making it a formidable weapon.

So I'm definitely looking forward to seeing the movie this January. Hopefully if this film does well it will spur interest in Sam Raimi's planned re-imagining of The Shadow.

My question is, what do YOU think of the trailer? Is this new Green Hornet a step in the right direction? Or is it an insult to the classic's legacy? Let me know in the comment section below.

Out of Context #23

2010-11-19T23:33:00.000-06:00

Overheard during a conversation between Adam J. Whitlatch and his wife Jessica today:

Jessica: The fun doesn't start until you open your mouth.

We've Got A Situation

2010-11-17T20:16:00.002-06:00

Ha ha. Ha ha ha. HA HA HA... HA... AHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
**deep breath**
AHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

God Hates Tires

2010-11-15T23:54:00.003-06:00

Oh, this one makes me giggle, boys and girls. Apparently the Westboro Batshit Church bit off more than they could chew this past weekend in Oklahoma. Everybody's favorite whackadoos showed up in McAlester, OK to protest the funeral of Sgt. Jason McCluskey and were met by thousands of counter protesters.

But that's not what makes me giggle. Oh no. When they returned to their minivan, the WBC protesters found that someone had slashed both of their passenger-side tires. Now, I'm still not giggling. At this point I'm just surprised that this hasn't happened before. I mean, really? Nobody thought of this sooner? No, what makes me giggle is that they limped their crippled hatemobile all around McAlester, but all of the local mechanics refused to fix or replace their tires. They finally had to call AAA to tow them to a Wal-Mart several miles away.

Now THAT, boys and girls, is what makes me giggle. That is out-fucking-standing!

I've been to a few news sites tonight and there are a lot of commenters crying about how tire slashing is illegal. Shame on those vandals for inflicting damage upon private property! Here are a few of my favorites (and my responses):

"Two wrongs don't make a right!"

No, but it certainly does make America smile.

"These people have the right to protest!"
They also have the right to remain silent. I invite them to give that one a try.

"God hates fags!"
Well he certainly does make a lot of them, doesn't he?

Whackadoos.

My heart goes out to the family of Sgt. McCluskey. They are in my thoughts and prayers.

Read the news story (along with video) here.

Back from ICON 35

2010-11-07T22:22:00.004-06:00

Jess and I have just returned from ICON in Cedar Rapids. We had a great time, and I can't wait to tell you all about meeting Joe Haldeman and Cory Doctorow, as well as the other fun things we did and the friends we reconnected with. I'll also tell you about our trip to Best Buy where Logan and I got to try Kinect Sports, and how he thoroughly trounced me at boxing. But first, we have to put things away, set our clocks back, and most importantly... get some frakkin' sleep.

G'night, all.

Remember, Remember...

2010-11-05T00:01:00.000-05:00

New Poem in Illumen

2010-11-04T16:33:00.003-05:00

I have a new science fiction-themed tanka (poem) in Illumen, a magazine published by Sam's Dot Publishing.

You can order the issue here or even buy a subscription to the 'zine.

I haven't gotten to take a look at the issue yet, but I should get my hands on a copy this weekend. I'll give you my impressions of the book then. Apparently it's been out for a month, but I just now found out it had been released. Somebody told me it was supposed to be out in November. Oh well.

Enjoy.

Enough with Race Already!

2010-11-04T08:40:00.004-05:00

As those of you who follow this blog regularly know, I've been looking forward to the launch of the Microsoft Kinect accessory for the Xbox 360. Well, today is launch day, and after using Google to get some information about today's launch statistics I rolled my eyes when I saw the following headline:

Is Microsoft's Kinect Racist?

The short answer: No.
The long answer: You're a fucking idiot.

Here's the gist of the article: Some dark-skinned gamers are having problems with the facial recognition features on the Kinect. To be honest I'm not really surprised. In fact, it was something I wondered about over the past few months. I've always wondered if the face and voice recognition was really as good as Microsoft claims. So what does this mean for gamers? Not much. I'd say an update is in Microsoft's future. Maybe darker skinned users will have to make adjustments to their room lighting. I don't know. This issue/bug doesn't affect gameplay, it only means some users may have to log into their account manually. It's not the end of the world.

My point is this: This is NOT a race issue. It's a hardware and/or software issue. I get sick of racism being invoked when the situation does not call for it. Is racism a serious issue? Most certainly. Duh. But it is not the issue here.

So let's all unbunch our panties, put the race card back in the wallet, and sit back to wait for the inevitable firmware update. In the meantime, let's do some hands-free gaming!

I Was Gonna Go And Vote, But I Forgot...

2010-11-04T08:12:00.003-05:00

...because I got high, because I got high, because I got high!

California Voters Reject Bid to Legalize Marijuana

Just sayin'. :)

Warning Signs #2

2010-11-01T13:13:00.004-05:00

These segments showcase those moments we all experience, when you realize you really need to stop what you're doing.

Overheard during a telephone conversation between Adam J. Whitlatch and G.D. Hamilton this afternoon:

Adam : Imagine it! Thousands of blood-thirsty, mouth-foaming, rabid bottle-nose dolphins! Eee Eee Eee Eee Eee! Eee Eee Eee Eee Eee! Eee Eee Eee Eee Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

The Pumpkin King Speaks...

2010-10-31T12:40:00.005-05:00

When exactly did the magic vanish from Halloween? I remember a time when the only thing that children looked forward to more was Christmas. Now Halloween seems to have become some kind of chore for this generation. Last night we took our boys trick or treating in Bonaparte, and from the moment we got in the car I knew the night was shot.

For one thing, our oldest didn't even make any attempt to get/make a costume until the very last minute. All month we bugged him about his costume; after all, his little brother had his costume over a month ago. His excuse: "I can't find anything I want to be." My response: "Make something!" The kid finally wound up putting on his ninja costume from last year. When I was a kid I made most of my costumes. One year I bought a skull makeup and appliance kit and made myself an elaborate Terminator costume, complete with realistic looking endo-skeleton showing through on my face. The next year I used another identical kit to become Skeletor. In short, Halloween was an event for me. On October 30th I turned into Stan freakin' Winston.

So once we got started, things quickly went downhill. Within about 15 minutes both boys were whining that they were tired and wanted to go home. For the love of Jack Skellington, what happened to the relentless pursuit of sugar that kids are known for? I remember whining, "Aww, Dad! There's still about thirty houses we haven't hit yet!" You know what I think the problem is? Too much damn TV. Honestly, these kids plop down in front of the tube so much that even their auxiliary Halloween muscles have atrophied. Sad.

One parent actually looked me in the eye last night and wearily said, "Thank God this is only once a year, right?" I looked at him and said, "Are you serious!?" No wonder the kids aren't enthusiastic anymore... the freakin' parents have lost their passion for it, too. C'mon, folks. Get into it! Tell scary stories. Life's no fun without a good scare. Remember, Halloween is a night for ghosts and goblins, not Spongebob and the Power Rangers.

When we got home and the boys started sorting their loot I heard Zavier saying, "My Christian Jack-O-Lantern..." Confused, I turned and saw he was reading a slip of paper from his bucket that someone along the route had given him. This piece of bullshit Christian propaganda droned on about the light of the Christmas star and Baby Jesus until I finally snatched the paper from the boy's hand and tore it into tiny pieces. From what I understand, the tradition of Jack-O-Lanterns came from children hollowing out turnips and carving faces on them. They would put a lit candle inside and hold them up to windows on sticks to scare people. Somewhere along the way somebody realized that pumpkins were more head-sized. I kind of like the turnip idea though. It conjures images of tiny imps scratching at your windows. Hmm... nope. No Baby Jesus here.

I'm a Christian, but honestly, haven't the Christians stolen and assimilated enough Pagan holidays already? Seriously, Christians, if you can't just keep it to yourselves then just lock your doors and turn off your lights. You've stolen Easter and Christmas; be happy with them.

And another thing... Halloween is October 31st. NOT October 30th, you ninnies. Do it right or Jerrod Balzer and I will come to your house and ram our most-certainly non-Christian Jack-O-Lanterns up your ass while we shriek "Trick!! Trick!!"

The Pumpkin King has spoken... now go forth and bring me my offering of Sugar Babies.

We Need Kitteh Zord Powur Now!

2010-10-25T13:31:00.003-05:00

Our kitten (who so far has no name because we keep arguing over what to name him. I call him Wicket.) has taken a liking to my fuzzy white tiger slippers. As I'm typing this he's curled up into a little ball inside one of them and is taking a nap. Normally I refuse to post pet pictures on my blog, but I thought this was an acceptable exception. As you can see, I even went so far as creating an LOLcat picture.

Don't worry. You'll still NEVER see a sunset or rainbow on this blog.

Scout's honor.

Leggo My Ego!

2010-10-22T13:27:00.005-05:00

Rewrites. They're a necessary part of being a writer. Every writer is under that false impression when they start out in the business that their first draft is a masterpiece and anyone that says otherwise simply doesn't get their vision. We all do it, don't deny it. Luckily most of us grow out of it and, once we do, are able to crank out something truly magnificent... or it may be another piece of crap and you have to rewrite it again. Who knows?

Recently I received some excellent praise for Earth Realm Army, but was told that some significant rewrites need to be done before the book will be marketable. For a couple hours I was hyperventilating, but then I calmed down and realized this was fantastic news. The rewrites don't alter the plot itself, but simply update the book to a contemporary setting and makes the book more suited for my target audience, which is young adults.

The past few days I've been looking over the book and realizing certain things simply do not work anymore. What a lot of people don't realize is that I wrote the very first draft of Earth Realm Army back when I was about thirteen, thinking it would be a good television series. The original story was not science fiction, but fantasy. It featured magical rings, quests for mystical armor, and a planetary alignment. In short, it sucked. The planetary alignment is the only thing that really made it into the current incarnation of the novel, and I suddenly realized I hate planetary alignments as plot devices. It was the one thing I truly hated about the fourth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film. So it's gone. Bye bye. So long and thanks for all the rejection slips.

So with the planetary alignment gone, I realized I no longer needed to rely on specific dates for the story's setting. As a result, we have a more contemporary setting that today's (and hopefully tomorrow's) youth can relate to more. The previous draft had a very Cold War-era sense of nuclear paranoia about it. That's gone. Even though most of these changes are still just scrawled in my notebook and not in the actual manuscript yet, the book already feels much stronger.

Let's face it. Today's young readers have no clue what the hell a walkman is. Alex needs an iPod and a cellphone, pure and simple.

I do have a point, and it's this: Ego = bad, Confidence = good.

By all means, writers, believe in yourself and fight for your ideas. Hell, sometimes trying to verbally justify your choices points out the obvious flaws to you. But don't retreat into your shell every time someone tells you something doesn't work. To be fair, sometimes critics are talking out of their asses and it's best to just ignore them. All critiques should be taken seriously and given very careful consideration. The best thing you can do for yourself is find a test reader that isn't afraid of hurting your feelings and won't pull punches. Sorry, but Mommy is not the person that should be giving you feedback, because as long as you utilize that resource you're always going to come back with a gold star and glowing praise to hang on the refrigerator.

Other writers usually aren't a good resource either, because then you run the risk of them trying to rewrite the story for you the way they would do it. And that's just not you, is it? Who do I recommend? Readers. Find somebody that reads a lot. And by a lot I mean incessantly. Avid readers generally have a good sense of what works and what doesn't. If something makes them scratch their head and they find themselves dwelling on some minor detail, chances are it needs seriously reworked. Listen to them, but, again, make your own judgment on how best to proceed.

So that's where I'm at right now. Between homework (all A's so far, by the way) and the Final Fantasy Challenge, I'm squeezing in as much rewrite time as I can without sending myself into stress overload. I'm pretty confident that by February I'll have a much better product to submit for publication. We're close, people. I can definitely feel it.

Writers, who do you turn to for constructive criticism? Let us know in the comment section below.

Happy Birthday, Logan!

2010-10-19T15:00:00.005-05:00

Happy birthday, son. Your present is... a baby brother! Just kidding. We can't let Scott steal the spotlight, can we? After all, this is really his soon-to-be big brother's day! Five years ago today Logan Ray was born. It was the greatest day of my life, but also the most frightening.

What a lot of people don't realize is that we almost lost Logan. Mid-delivery we discovered that Logan had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, and Dr. Staudte had to work quickly to save his life. Logan's collar bone was broken during the delivery, but it healed perfectly and we'll always be grateful to Doc Staudte. We're very glad he'll also be the one to deliver Scott when he comes. We know he'll be in good, very capable hands.

Logan's first year was a rough one, plagued by several illnesses. At only six months he came down with RSV, and had to receive medication via nebulizer; at nine months he got such severe ear infections that he had to have tubes implanted and we battled chronic ear infections for the next two years; and he came down with rotavirus not once, but twice (being his primary caregiver, I also got the virus, making life in our household miserable). Since then, however, Logan has been a very healthy and active little boy, albeit a bit accident prone (much like his aunt Jenny, I understand).

Looking back on the past five years, I can't imagine a single moment without this little bugger. He's just the orneriest kid you'll ever meet. Always inquisitive. And pretty techno-savvy for a five-year-old. I see a career in computers in this little man's future. Or music... he loves music and has always had an ear for it. How many other five-year-olds do you know that have their very own iPod and can navigate it without being able to read?

So Happy Birthday, Oogie! Love ya, kiddo.

Cake and presents at six o'clock.

It's (Gonna Be) A Boy!

2010-10-19T14:32:00.004-05:00

Well, today my wife and I went to the hospital and had the ultrasound done to determine the sex of the baby. As you know, we were hoping for a girl, but it's just not meant to be. The baby is unquestionably a boy. And he's VERY active.

He wiggled and kicked so much that we were unable to get one of those nifty 3D pictures. Well, that's not true. Actually the only clear three-dimensional image we were able to get was the shot that put the stem on the apple, so to speak. Let me just say that this kid will have no trouble getting a date to the senior prom (which will be in 2029). WOW! I'll be a whopping 48-years-old when he graduates from high school! These are mind-blowing things for any parent to think about.

Am I the only one that thinks that profile kinda looks like big brother Zavier? It looks like they have that same upturned nose. Hmmmm. I shall call him... Mini-Z.

Well, the dream of a daughter is gone, since Jess and I have unanimously decided that this is the last child we are going to have. But now I have grandchildren to look forward to someday. And one of these little snots had better give me a granddaughter to spoil!

So, my loyal readers, say hello to my future son: Scott Allen Whitlatch. Scott is due to arrive on February 16th, 2010. Let's shoot for Valentine's Day!

Vote for the 2011 Video Game Challenge

2010-10-10T21:58:00.007-05:00

If you read my last post, then you already know about my quest to finish all 13 Final Fantasy games by the end of the year. I also said in my last post that I've had so much fun doing this that I'm considering doing it again with another video game franchise. I'm having trouble deciding which series to take on, so I decided to put it to a vote and let you, my loyal readers, decide.

As you can see in the picture above, your choices are:

Resident Evil

The Legend of Zelda
(note that due to the number of installments in this series, I would limit myself to the console titles, excluding the hand-held titles)

Mega Man

and Metroid

Cast your vote in the poll over to the right. Voting ends at midnight on New Years Eve.

The 2010 Final Fantasy Challenge

2010-10-06T23:17:00.003-05:00

If you have me on your Facebook friends list, chances are you've seen status messages like "Eight down, five to go." and "Nine down, four to go." or even "BOO YA!!" This is because I'm making a valiant effort to make good on a New Year's resolution for once in my life.

Most people make resolutions to lose weight, find love, finish that novel (Quiet, Joe... I'm working on that too.), but I decided to be different. My resolution was to beat every numbered installment of the Final Fantasy series by the end of 2010.

I decided to do this because I always had this bad habit in the 90s of getting to the save point before the final boss on every game and just... stopping. Either I was tired of grinding for XP or I just didn't feel like getting pummeled by some big baddie for an hour and a half just to get my ass handed to me on a mythril platter and have to try all over again. So I decided to finish them... all of them... even the one's I've never played yet. This week I've made some great progress, finishing off Final Fantasies I, VIII, and IX all in a four-day time span. I have four games left, one of which (Final Fantasy V) I've NEVER played, so I'll be starting it from scratch. With it being October, I'm cutting it a bit close.

Tonight I beat the eighth game. FFVIII was by far the hardest game in the series for me thus far. I'm pretty proud of myself, considering I finished the game on my original save file from 1999 and I sucked pretty bad at RPGs back then. I beat the game both without the "essential" Lionheart, and without losing a single party member to time absorption.

Here is a breakdown of the games I've beaten (marked with X's) and the ones I have yet to finish:

X Final Fantasy
Final Fantasy II
X Final Fantasy III
Final Fantasy IV
Final Fantasy V
Final Fantasy VI
X Final Fantasy VII
X Final Fantasy VIII
X Final Fantasy IX
X Final Fantasy X
X Final Fantasy X-2
X Final Fantasy XII
X Final Fantasy XIII

You'll notice I don't have Final Fantasy XI on there. That is because I do not consider XI to be a part of the main series. It's an MMORPG, and therefore not in the same category as the numbered series.

So what's next, you ask? I think it will be Final Fantasy VI. After that probably IV, then II, and finally V. And for 2011... I'm thinking a Mega Man challenge. Any takers?

So, gamers, what was the hardest game (or boss) you ever played? Did you beat it? Do you have a favorite series that you might consider taking up this kind of challenge on? Let me know in the comment section below.

Podcasts Killed The Radio Star

2010-10-04T22:49:00.003-05:00

I love podcasts. Hell, I can't fall asleep unless I'm listening to my iPod. Usually I listen to audio books or old time radio show podcasts until I drift off. I love those old shows like Burns & Allen, The Shadow, and Abbot & Costello. But what I really love are the speculative fiction shows like X Minus One, 2000 Plus, and Dimension X. Those fun old science fiction stories about kids building rocket ships in their back yards and encountering Martians. That was fun sci-fi, back when sci-fi was about escapism and not engineering degrees.

For a couple of years I've been kicking around the idea of turning my young adult science fiction novel E.R.A. - Earth Realm Army into an episodic podcast; basically a chapter every couple of weeks or so. I've considered going all out, using voice actors, sound effects, and whatnot. I even did some fun voice tests with a few of my friends, experimenting with voice effects for the power suits and the DW-8 Death Walkers. I think it would be a fun project.

I guess the question I'm asking is, is it really worth the effort? Would you listen to a free episodic podcast about Alex Walker and the boys from Replodia? If so, how should it be done? A straightforward audio book with a single performer, or a full-blown effects-laden thrill ride in the tradition of the radio shows of yesteryear?

Let me know your thoughts in the comment section below.

Six Years and Counting

2010-09-25T08:22:00.003-05:00

That's right, folks. Six years ago today Jessica and I were married. And to those of you out there that said we wouldn't last, Jess and I would just like to say, "NEENER NEENER NEENER!"

So what's on the agenda today? Well, after I pick her up from work and we drop Logan off at my mom's place, we're going to have a kid-free evening and go see The Expendables.

"The Expendables!?", you say? I know, right? I was surprised too! When I asked her what she wanted to do for our anniversary this is the exact exchange that took place:

Adam: What do you want to do for our anniversary, Honey?

Jessica: Let's go see The Expendables!

Adam: I love you.

Seriously! How many women want to go see some ass-kicking, shoot-em-up action flick on their anniversary instead of some sappy chick flick? I love my wife.

Gone, But Not Forgotten

2010-09-24T00:17:00.003-05:00

Every once in a while, someone comes along that changes your life, that inspires you. High school wasn't a very pleasant time in my life. I have very few memories I would actually call "fond." I hated English class, God did I hate English class. And it was the teachers' fault. It really was.

About 90% of the English teachers I had growing up were evil old battle axes. Roughly 25% of them held personal grudges against me for administrative decisions my father, the superintendent of schools, had made. Those teachers made it their mission to make my life miserable. The result: I hated English, and saw no valid reason for the endless and convoluted rules of my native tongue. I don't even remember what I planned to do with my life in junior year, but it certainly wasn't going to have anything to do with Language Arts. No way, no how.

Then came senior year, and I met the woman who would change my life forever - Ms. Sloane. Ms. Sloane was my English Literature teacher. She was the kindest, warmest, most encouraging soul I've ever met. It was in her class where I first read such classics as Beowulf and Tennyson's The Lady of Shalott, still my favorite poem to this day. It was also in her class that I first realized I wanted to be a writer, even if at the time it seemed like more of a hobby than an actual profession.

After I graduated high school I stayed in touch with Ms. Sloane through email and even shared some of my stories with her. Though a lot of my work was outside her genres of interest, she was always encouraging and glad to offer constructive criticism.

I bring this all up because on Tuesday morning Ms. Sloane passed away. A couple of my classmates contacted me through Facebook and broke the news to me. I was in utter shock for a couple hours, staggered by the realization that I'd been thinking about sending her an email that very evening. I'd been thinking a lot about her lately, due to the fact that I'm taking two literature classes this semester and I always wondered what Ms. Sloane would think of this piece or that.

I kept my composure rather well until my wife and kids went to bed and then I cried in my office until my eyes hurt. Yes, I cried for a teacher. It's taken me three days to summon the will to write about it. I always say this world needs more great English teachers, and we just lost the very best one. I take comfort knowing that she's at peace and residing with those literary masters she loved so much. I will never forget Ardy Sloane, nor will I forget the lessons she taught me.

If any North-Linn students or alumni are reading this blog, feel free to share any thoughts or memories you have of Ms. Sloane in the comment section below. To my other readers, has a teacher ever made a significant impact on you? Please feel free to share as well.

Warning Signs #1

2010-09-19T11:35:00.004-05:00

This is a new segment for those of you that enjoy "Out of Context." This segment will showcase those moments we all experience, when you realize you really need to stop what you're doing. This morning was one of those moments. Enjoy.

Overheard during a conversation between Adam J. Whitlatch and G.D. Hamilton this weekend while hungover and eating breakfast at the gas station:

Adam (while reading the expiration date on his bottle of tea): Christ! Is that the time?

Out of Context #22

2010-09-13T18:59:00.001-05:00

Overheard during a conversation between Adam J. Whitlatch and his wife, Jessica, this weekend:

Jessica: So what are you and Gabe gonna do this weekend while I'm gone?

Adam: I'm gettin' screwed!

Neener Neener Neener

2010-09-13T08:31:00.002-05:00

So the day has finally come. Saturday night (after an absolute customer service clusterfuck at Best Buy) I got my shiny new iPad. At first I thought the iPad was a stupid idea, but then I spoke to a few editors and writers I know that have one, and they all had great things to say about it. After a lot of research, I finally decided that, rather than getting a new laptop, an iPad was right for me.

Not being a fan of AT&T, I opted for the 32GB WiFi only model. I originally wanted the 64 GB model, but in the end decided I didn't need it. I'm not planning on storing massive amounts of music on it; that's what my 120GB iPod is for.

Now, there's been a bit of outcry from a few people in my life. Some people have said iPads are crap and I've committed a major computer sin with this purchase. In my experience, most (not all) techies talk completely out of their asses and their opinions vary depending on who they're talking to or trying to impress. Mechanics are much the same way. Lawyers, too. Does anybody have any integrity anymore? But anyway, the thing works like an absolute dream. I'm not tied to my office for email anymore, don't have to lug around a laptop wherever I go, and I just don't have the general problems that come with a Windows machine.

Speaking of that, my desktop PC decided to take a dump yesterday at a very inopportune time. And while I struggled to get it fixed, my iPad stepped up to the plate and took care of my email and school needs for a few hours. Talk about a successful field test.

There's also been some negative reactions from people who feel I simply don't deserve an iPad. To those people I offer a resounding--Well, if you read this blog on a regular basis you know where I'm heading with this. Simply put, this is not a plaything. This is a small, portable machine that I can use for my online college work while I'm on the road. A very small percentage of my studies requires a word processor. Most of the time I'm reading, responding to class discussions, or taking quizzes and exams. I can quickly check my email and get back to business, instead of waiting several minutes for Windows to boot up or carrying around a bulky machine. The iPad is roughly the size of a trade paperback book and only slightly heavier.

Frankly I'm sick of Microsoft and their shoddy workmanship. I grew up on Apple products, starting with the Apple IIe in the 80s, and I've been giving a lot of thought to going back to Apple. The only thing stopping me from replacing my Acer with a Mac is cost. Steve Jobs still lives in a fantasy land where he thinks the average consumer can justify $3,000 for a computer. If the cost ever comes back down, you'd better believe I'll be taking Justin Long's advice and switching.

Hell Has Officially Frozen Over

2010-09-08T14:17:00.003-05:00

That's right. Your eyes do not deceive you. The image to the left has not been Photoshopped. I, Adam J. Whitlatch, am currently reading Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.

Why, you ask? School. As I mentioned before, I'm required to read twenty young adult books in sixteen weeks. The selection of titles has to be diverse, so I can't just fill it with Rowling, Riordan, Foster, and Heinlein like I'd like to. As I was going over my list I realized it was severely lacking in the teen romance department, so I went to my wife's bookcase and started perusing the shelves. On the top shelf, staring me right in the face like a death sentence... was Twilight.

I know what you're thinking: I could have gone to the library and found something else. True, but let's face it, the damn thing was right there, and time is of the essence. I don't really have the time or gas to go out and shop for books at the moment, so I'm trying to eliminate all of the readily-available books I can before I have to venture outside for new material.

So how is it? Well, it's Twilight. What else can really be said about it? I'm only one chapter in, so I haven't been subjected to too much yet, but I have gotten a good taste of "Oh, Edward Cullen is so dreamy!" Yep, Meyer wastes no time with that crap. Plus it's obvious Stephenie Meyer was never "the new kid" anywhere. I was "the new kid" three times growing up, and I can assure you it was nothing like Bella's experience at Forks High School.

All that said, I really am going into it with an open mind. I'm going to judge the book by its own merits and not pass judgment based solely on the movie. After all, this class is about evaluating literature for young adults and its use in curriculum. So I'm leaving my personal prejudices at the door and treating it like any other book. In other words, I'm approaching this as a teacher and not a genre writer. I'll post my thoughts here when I finish.

Have you ever read a book you really didn't want to? If so, what was it and what were the circumstances? And were you surprised by your reaction to it or was it really as bad as you feared? Post your answers in the comment thread below.

Let the Panic Attack Begin!

2010-09-08T08:20:00.002-05:00

Well, this morning marks a milestone in my son Logan's life... his first day of preschool. And I'm having a hard time breathing.

He's really excited, though. He's been whining for two years now that he wants to ride the big yellow bus with his brother. Well now he finally got his chance. At 7:58 the boys both hopped onto the bus and went on their merry way.

Now I have the entire morning to myself to crank Blackmore's Night and do my homework.

IT'S TOO DAMN QUIET!!!

Another One Bites The Dust

2010-09-07T16:38:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm in my second week of the new school semester and things are going quite well. Now that I've dropped one of my classes, that is. What, Adam? Again? Yes, again. This time the casualty was Public Speaking.

When I started looking at the weekly assignments and requirements for my four classes, I realized something had to give. Either Public Speaking or Young Adult Literature had to go, since they both are unreasonably demanding. After careful consideration, I decided I could live one more semester without Public Speaking. The instructor just wanted to monopolize too much of my time, not taking into consideration that students might actually be taking more than one class. I had a feeling taking a speaking class online would be more convoluted than it had to be, and I was absolutely correct.

So I dropped it like a bad habit, leaving more time to read the twenty (four of which are assigned by the instructor) required books I need to read within sixteen weeks for YA Lit. So far I've read The Giver (required) and Holes (optional). I haven't decided what will be next, but first I need to type up two annotation papers on the ones I've already read. (I plan to do a post very soon on The Giver, so keep watching for that.)

So Public Speaking will just have to wait until next term, and maybe I'll take an on-campus class to avoid all of the flaming hoops the online instructor expected me to jump through. We'll see.

But back to my YA Lit requirements, as stated above, I need to read twenty YA books (fiction and non-fiction) in the fifteen weeks remaining. So I'm taking suggestions for books and graphic novels appropriate for young adults. So if you have a title to suggest, post it and the name of the author in the comment thread below. Be advised, I already have more sci-fi/fantasy/horror titles on my list than I need, so please no speculative fiction suggestions.

Out of Context #21

2010-08-31T09:59:00.002-05:00

Overheard during a conversation between Adam J. Whitlatch and G.D. Hamilton this morning:

Gabe: In my defense, I left the cool whip on the kitchen counter. I'm telling you, man, I was really roughing it!

Out of the Pool and Back to School!

2010-08-29T11:22:00.003-05:00

It's that time again. No, not nudie magazine day. I'm talking about going back to school.

Tomorrow I start my third term at Southeastern Community College. This time I'm going back to having a full class load, as opposed to the two-class cake walk I had last term.

Remember how this time last year I was shaking in my boots, worried that I was going to make an utter ass of myself and fall flat on my face? Yeah, luckily that didn't happen. Instead I ended the year with a 4.0 GPA and as a member of Phi Theta Kappa honor society. Every day I look at my certificate in its frame and ask myself, "How the hell did this happen?"

So what's on the agenda this term, you ask? Well, I'm taking the following classes:

Young Adult Literature
The Short Story
Fundamentals of English Grammar
and
Public Speaking

Don't ask me how they plan to teach a public speaking course completely online. I've been pondering that one myself. Webcams perhaps? We'll see.

Speaking of teaching, this weekend I taught my first writing class for the Villages Folk School. The class was small, only one student, but she's phenomenal to work with. Once I have a better idea of how much time my studies will demand this term I'll decide whether or not to add any fall dates to my teaching schedule.

Out of Context #20

2010-08-29T00:58:00.001-05:00

Overheard during a Skype conversation between authors Adam J. Whitlatch, Jerrod Balzer, MontiLee Stormer, and S.D. Hintz this morning:

S.D. Hintz: Oh my God, I am so fucking wet right now!

Right Now In Keokuk, Iowa...

2010-08-26T12:24:00.005-05:00

Some would call this an epic fail. I prefer to call it an epic WIN. Somebody at that theater deserves a bonus.

That is all. Dismissed.

Happy Birthday, Zavier!

2010-08-26T10:52:00.003-05:00

Ten years ago today, my stepson Zavier was born in St. Lukes Hospital in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

It seems like only yesterday I was looking down at his tiny body, wrapped in a blanket in his mother's arms. An entire decade, passed in what seems like the blink of an eye.

Now this kid regularly kicks my ass at Halo, builds complex science fiction-inspired weaponry out of Legos, kicks and punches his way through tang soo do class, is an "A" student, and reads books like there's no tomorrow.

His tireless antics and sense of humor may be exasperating at times, but no other person on this planet has coaxed "Wait... what?!" from my lips more times than this kid. He's just that good.

Last week Zavier got to open one present early, a joint gift from us and my parents: A blue 16GB iPod Nano. It was a huge hit with him and the only time he's without it is either when he's asleep or at school. Tonight he gets to open the rest, and I'm sure his little brother Logan will help him with the wrapping paper, as usual.

Happy Birthday, Zavier. Love ya, buddy.

It Should Be A Friggin' National Holiday!

2010-08-25T08:00:00.005-05:00

Do you know what day it is today? That's right! It's Sean Connery's birthday! The beloved Scottish actor turns eighty years old today. As if I have to tell you, Sir Sean is most famous for his role as the original (and arguably the best) James Bond.

I think my favorite role of Connery's, however, would have to be Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez from 1986's Highlander. And even though the first sequel was completely unnecessary and idiotic, Sean was hilarious in it. At least he had fun with such a dumb movie. They're going to have a hard time recasting his character when they film the remake.

I keep hoping that Sean will come out of retirement from acting and do another Bond film. Not as 007, you understand. No no no. I think Connery should come back and either take the role of "M" or, even better, take on the role of the ultimate Bond villain. Ernst Stavro Blofeld, anyone? Daniel Craig wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell. I swear, Hollywood needs to start paying me for these ideas.

So, celebrate this glorious day by taking a couple hours to plop down on the couch and watch a Sean Connery film, preferably one you've never seen before. Treat yourself. I myself will be watching Zardoz as soon as my four-year-old son relinquishes control of Netflix on the Wii.

But before you sit down in front of your TV, head on over to Facebook and say Happy Birthday to my good friend Tim Thorpe. That's right, he shares this glorious occasion with our hero. Lucky bastard.

Out of Context #19

2010-08-24T07:44:00.004-05:00

Overheard during a telephone conversation between Adam J. Whitlatch and his wife Jessica this morning:

Adam: Did you just say there are Trekkies in the road!?

Jessica: Run, Trekkie Trekkie!!

Media Tie-Ins: Sell Out or Fanboy Dream Come True?

2010-08-23T20:21:00.005-05:00

A while ago, I got into a discussion with another writer about media tie-ins, and whether or not they are a good thing for a writer and his/her career. I think they can be, probably because I read a lot of them when I was growing up, which was my major introduction to science fiction. They can attract new readers. However, I think a tie-in should only be written by someone with some love for the franchise they're writing in. If you just do it for the paycheck then fans are going to be able to tell, and your book is going to fall flat on it's face... er, cover.

For example, I love Alan Dean Foster. His Pip & Flinx series is one of my favorites in the YA genre, but I was first introduced to Foster in middle school through his tie-in novels for the first three Alien movies. I absorbed those books, not because I loved Alien (I do), but because Foster was able to add depth to the story and keep me immersed in the film's world for more than two hours. So you can imagine how shocked I was when Foster managed to bore me to tears with his 2007 novel Transformers: Ghosts of Yesterday. I never thought getting through a Transformers story would seem like a chore to me, but there you have it. What went wrong? Obviously Foster is not a fan, so there was no passion transferred onto the page.

So, again, a writer should choose carefully when asked to write a media tie-in. It should be a project the author feels passionate about and is familiar with, especially if the subject matter is an established franchise with a built-in fan base. Seriously, what writer wouldn't love to get paid for what is, in essence, legal fan fiction? So during the conversation, I considered what properties I would love to write tie-in novels for.

1. Transformers

Speak of the devil. I've been a fan of Transformers ever since I was about five, maybe earlier. I'm very familiar with the original G1 TV series and mythology. I've collected numerous Transformers comic books and have unopened toys decorating the walls of my office. I believe Optimus Prime to be the greatest fictional hero character of all time. Prime, at least the Peter Cullen depictions, has always been a fearless, selfless warrior and leader. Jesus only wishes he was half as awesome as Optimus Prime. That said, I would give anything to try my hand at penning a literary battle between the heroic Autobots and the evil Decepticons. I can safely say I could do a better job with the colossal bots than Michael Bay has.

I'd keep Bumblebee a Camaro, though. The '70s model of course, c'mon... let's not get crazy.

2. Ghostbusters

I've been a fan of the boys in beige for as long as I can remember, so much so that it bordered on unhealthy obsession. To my knowledge there has only been one Ghostbusters novel written to date, and it's out of print and the publisher defunct. So who ya gonna call? Me, god dammit! Giant marshmallow men? Kid stuff! Genocidal paintings? Bitch, please! Given the chance I would write a Ghostbusters story so epic that even Dan Aykroid would say to himself, "Why didn't I think of that?"

3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

When I first heard of the TMNT in 1988 I thought it was the dumbest concept ever put on paper. And really it is, when you say it out loud. But when I caught an episode after school one afternoon I was instantly hooked. The first live action film in 1990 offered a more mature version of my favorite green-skinned crime fighters. I remember how my jaw dropped when I first heard Raphael mutter "Damn!", and I still giggle to this day when I hear Michelangelo shout "Ninja kick the damn rabbit!" I enjoyed the second film despite its silliness, but the third was always a disappointment to me. I longed for the darker, more grownup turtles of the first movie. I never really got the fix I craved until I discovered the old black and white Mirage comic books. I began collecting them back in 2002 and immersed myself in them. This was what I was looking for! My eyes bugged out of my head when I actually saw Leonardo cut the Shredder's head off in one issue! These turtles didn't fuck around. Send the Shredder to Dimension X? Fuck that! Bury the chrome-fitted freak!

I would love to write a TMNT novel for the old school fans, those of us that felt the ink rub off the original newsprint of the very first issue onto our fingers. I envision a very edgy, Dark Knight-esque atmosphere, with a Raphael that smokes cigarettes and a Shredder with a taste for blood... cold turtle blood.

But, sadly... now that Nickelodeon owns the worldwide rights to the TMNT that will never happen. Way to go, Peter Laird. Epic fail.

4. Stargate

Oh, the possibilities! Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of SG-1 and the new Stargate Universe, but the original film has always been my favorite piece of the Stargate franchise. I would love to see a sequel to the original film, one that leaves out the convoluted plot of the Goa'uld. Stargate SG-1 is a fantastic spinoff, but sometimes it got overwhelming and contradictory. Keep it simple, stupid.

Seriously, the concept of stargates is fantastic for sci-fi writers. It gives endless possibilities for alien life forms and environments, all the while giving an airtight excuse for primitive humans to be among them. Not even Alan Dean Foster could fuck that up... could he?

5. Indiana Jones

C'mon! The ultimate adventure series! There's so much history and mythology that hasn't been tapped yet for this franchise. I've read a few of the Indiana Jones novels and would love to find the rest. In video games, TV shows, and books I've seen Indy do everything from find the lost city of Atlantis to discover an underground cavern populated by dinosaurs. And after playing the Assassin's Creed series I have a fantastic idea for Indy's next expedition. Indiana Jones and the Tree of Knowledge, anyone?

Of course there are a few others I'd like to do, but those are the five I'm totally confident I could successfully pull off. Now, writers and fans alike, which franchises would you love to write for or like to read? Nothing is off limits here. Tell me in the comment thread below.

PWNED!

2010-08-20T10:26:00.002-05:00

It's about god damned time somebody said it. This whole "Ground Zero Mosque" bullshit has been getting on my nerves from day one. When we were in New York last summer, my wife and I noticed that the entire area for several blocks surrounding Ground Zero was deader than an elementary school on Saturday. The only activity was the mob of tourists gazing down into the gaping hole in the ground where the World Trade Center once stood.

The reason? Taboo. Pure and simple. Shops and buildings stand empty and crumbling because it's considered taboo to operate a business or build anywhere near the site. The site of Park 51 is almost 5 blocks away. Do you know how far five blocks is in the Big Apple? It's another fucking world, folks! All over the internet I see and hear people ranting about how it's sacred ground. Okay. I agree that Ground Zero itself is sacred and should be reserved for a memorial. But, honestly, where do we draw the boundary line between where "sacred" ends and Manhattan begins?

It's god damned real estate, people! Look, I understand where they're coming from. I, like the rest of the nation, wept and pounded my fists on the ground in anguish on 9/11. But when is New York going to stop being a whimpering victim and get back to being the greatest city in the world? You really want to stick it to the people responsible for 9/11? Then get up, dust yourselves off, rebuild, and get back to business as usual.

I'm sure I'm going to piss off about half of New York and maybe the rest of the country with this post, but frankly I don't give a shit. I have friends in (and originally from) New York, and I know them to be intelligent, free-thinking Americans who don't let Fox News and right-wing nutjobs like Newt Gingrich tell them how to think and act. Despite my views, as usual I want to hear your thoughts on the subject.

Are you in favor of the building of Park 51? Are you against it? Either way, what are your reasons for your position? Let me know in the comment section below.

We All Wish We Had Fans Like This

2010-08-18T14:04:00.003-05:00

WARNING: Definitely NOT safe for work.

Seriously? Ray Bradbury? Huh. Usually only hardcore Heinlein fans aspire to this level of kinky.

I first saw this last night when my friend Jerrod Balzer sent it to me, but now it's making the rounds on Facebook amongst speculative fiction writers. We have all come to the same consensus: "Why can't I have fans like this?"

Because there can be only one Ray Bradbury. And you're just not him, Scooter. Nice try, though.

What is your favorite Ray Bradbury novel? Let me know in the comment thread below. Mine is Fahrenheit 451.

Last chance for Summer Writing Class!

2010-08-17T15:55:00.002-05:00

Aspiring writers in the Iowa, Illinois, and Missouri tri-state area, there is still time to sign up for my summer Creative Writing & Intro to Publishing class offered through the Villages Folk School in Van Buren County, Iowa.

Classes are $50, which covers two days of instruction in story crafting, poetry, editing, manuscript preparation and submission, and query letter writing. Details, along with a list of required materials, can be found here. (Don't believe the shipping times on the required book. They're grossly exaggerated.) I do have a few extra copies of the text on hand, if any student has difficulties ordering or if time does not allow for shipping.

Now, this won't be my last class; I plan to extend the classes into the fall, assuming my college course load allows for it.

The George Burns Conspiracy: The Proof I've Been Looking For

2010-08-17T11:08:00.004-05:00

Ah, George Burns. Everybody knows who he was, but not many people I'm acquainted with are as familiar with him as I am. See, I'm a huge fan of old time radio programs, so over the years I've listened to hundreds of episodes of Burns and Allen. I've even read his book Gracie: A Love Story.

So what's with the title of this post, you ask? Well, as you know, George lived to be 100 years old before he passed away in 1996. The day he turned 100 I grew very excited and started exclaiming to my parents, "They DID it! They really DID it!" This confused them to no end, until I told them about the very first episode of Burns and Allen I'd ever heard on vinyl, "George's Handwriting."

In this episode, after reading the analysis of a handwriting expert that assessed George's handwriting as that of a surgeon, Gracie decided that her husband would be better suited for the medical field than show business. She tried tricking him into a job interview at a local hospital, but instead accidentally enrolled him into a dangerous drug trial, testing a serum that would allow him to live to be 100 years old. I (not believing in coincidences) believed there was some truth behind the plot of this episode and it was a top secret elixir, not martinis and cigars, that was keeping ol' George singing and joking. I mean, really? Exactly 100? Not 99 or 101, but one hundred! Coincidence? I think NOT!

My folks asked for proof, but sadly I could not produce the LP containing the episode. I'd lost it somewhere during the move from Maynard to Walker when Dad switched jobs. So they just laughed it off, as did many others. But now I have the proof!

Last night, Libby and I used our Google stalk-fu and tracked down an mp3 recording of the episode. I also found multiple copies of the vinyl album on Ebay, so I plan to buy it as soon as I invest in a new record player. So, dear readers, I offer you the proof of the conspiracy behind George Burns' longevity.

Judge for yourself. Enjoy.

Listen to "George's Handwriting"

"New" Flash Fiction at Unheard Magazine

2010-08-11T00:18:00.003-05:00

I have a flash fiction piece up on the new electronic version of Unheard Magazine. This piece, entitled Put on the Brakes, is a reprint, having been previously published by Six Sentences.

Click here to read the story and rate it. Be sure to check out everything else Unheard Magazine has to offer while you're there. Some familiar names here on the Circus, such as Jamie Eyberg, Kevin Michaels, and Joseph Grant have been featured.

Also while you're there, submit something! Tell Greg that Adam sent ya.

August Weight Loss Report

2010-08-10T09:55:00.003-05:00

Well, here's where I brag and lament about a few things. First of all let me say thank you to all of my friends and readers that have offered their support in my endeavor to lose weight and get myself back into shape. I have to admit that Bazooko's Circus has been instrumental in my progress so far, because every time I've wanted to cheat or give up, I think of that little graph on the right side of the screen and I close the refrigerator, opting for a glass of water instead of the leftover fried chicken. So thank you, my friends. I can't do it without you.

So how am I doing? Well, good and bad. If you've been keeping an eye on the graph to the right you can see that I seem to have hit a weight loss plateau the past few days. On the other hand, I've lost more than I have on any of my previous attempts. The lowest I managed to get down to on my last two diets was 332, and then I'd plateau and quit.

I can already see and feel the difference, having lost over ten pounds so far. My shirts all fit much better; I can now comfortably wear a XXL shirt instead of a XXXL. This pleases me, because it means I can now wear my "Nobody Cares" Twitter shirt. My pants are also looser and this morning I discovered that I'm on the innermost hole of my belt, meaning soon I'll either need a smaller one (I HATE belt shopping) or it's time to start punching new holes in the thing.

So how do I plan to beat this plateau business? I'm gonna ride it out. I'm not going to let it discourage me. In fact, I'm going to redouble my efforts. I've already stepped up my daily hour-long treadmill walk from 2 mph to 2.5 mph, and plan to keep steadily increasing it week by week until I'm jogging. Right now I'm taking it slow in order to allow my knee and ankle to build up. So far I'm amazed at the abuse they're taking in class. I probably need to put more faith in my joints and take more risks when working out, but I don't want to land myself in the hospital, especially with the baby on the way, so for now I'm being careful.

I've also heard that being naughty one day out of the week can help trick your metabolism into jump starting, so maybe a Double Whopper and large onion rings once a week is in order. First I'm going to try riding it out though, in case this plateau is merely due to normal daily weight fluctuations.

So overall, I look better, feel better, my clothes fit better, and the bathroom scale has stopped reading "GTFO" when I step on it. Life is good. Hopefully I'll have some more good news for you in September.

Because I Haven't Made Fun of Twilight in About a Month

2010-08-08T00:09:00.004-05:00

That is all. Dismissed!

Yo' Baby's Havin' My Baby, And Yo' Baby... WHOA, BABY!!!

2010-08-07T22:24:00.004-05:00

I guess now's as good a time as any to make the formal announcement. My wife, Jessica, and I are expecting our second child together (and let's not forget her son, Zavier). As of right now Jess has a tentative due date of February 22nd, but by her own calculation she believes it to be closer to the first week of March. We'll know for sure when Jess has her first doctor appointment next week.

We're really hoping for a girl, especially since we have unanimously decided that, no matter the outcome, this is our last child. Three children is enough. It seems like a good solid number, don't you think? Both of us grew up with two siblings each, so it only seems natural to us. So far there are no Whitlatch granddaughters, so keep your fingers crossed.

Zavier is also hoping for a little sister. To quote him, he said, "I hope it's a girl and she drives Logan CRAZY!" Careful there, Z, little sisters can annoy the oldest, too, not just the middle child.

We have a very short list of names for both a boy or a girl, but we're still very much open to suggestions. Feel free to post your suggestions in the comment thread.

What do you think the new Whitlatch baby will be? A boy? A girl? Cast your vote in the poll to the right.

Just a Suggestion

2010-07-30T10:28:00.004-05:00

I just have a tiny suggestion for literary agents with ambiguous unisex names: Identify your freakin' gender!

I get sick of the roadblocks agents throw up in front of fledgling writers, but this has got to be the worst and most petty. When you have a name like Alex, Pat, Mason, Morgan, or Cory don't expect queriers to automatically know your sex. Should we research an agent before querying? Of course, but when your bio hasn't got a picture and doesn't use ANY pronouns it's a little hard to fill in the blanks ourselves.

If your gender is clearly identified on your agency website and a querier gets it wrong, then by all means reject them. It shows they didn't take the time to read your bio and learn your interests. But it's not our fault your daddy always wanted a little boy and you ruined his hopes and dreams. Your folks should have had a backup plan; take it up with them.

So do yourself a favor, add a picture or a simple "Mr" or "Ms" to your goddamn bio. Whether you believe it or not, you're the one that looks stupid, not us. While you're turning down manuscript after manuscript because you "don't want to be defined by your gender" other agents are reaping the benefits.

Just sayin'.

Burnin' For You!

2010-07-26T23:24:00.007-05:00

I've mentioned before that I'm trying to lose weight. Don't worry, that hasn't changed. Quite the contrary. In fact I seem to be making progress again... and I intend to keep it that way.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I've returned to martial arts class with my wife and stepson. This, along with resuming my diet and daily use of the treadmill, is helping me make a dent in this ball of dough I call a body.

Now, those of you who have tried dieting before can back me up on this: it's easy to cheat, it's easy to be tempted, and, thus, it's easy to fail. Well, here's how I see it: I need your help to stay honest.

How are you going to do that, you ask? Simple. See that nifty little blue graph in the right-hand sidebar there labeled "Weight Loss?" Well, every time I record my weight (which should be every few days or so) it will be displayed on that graph for you all to see. This way you can track my progress with me and, thus, help keep me on track.

As you can see, I've given myself a goal. My first goal is to be down to 300 pounds by my wedding anniversary in September. I've picked this date because over a year ago I had to have my wedding band cut off because it had become so tight I was afraid it would cut off circulation. Now, I could have just gotten it resized a month later, but I decided I would rather lose a significant amount of weight first. So the plan is to be down to 300 pounds or less by our anniversary so I can have my wedding band fixed and back where it belongs for the event.

Will I stop there? Hell no. My ultimate goal is to get myself down to 220 pounds or less. However, I'm being realistic in my short term goals, which is the only way to keep the task from seeming impossible. So for right now let's start at losing 37 pounds. I've already lost almost 25, having started at roughly 360 pounds a few months ago.

So here's the plan:
-- Eat healthier
-- Eat less
-- A minimum of 2 miles on the treadmill per day
-- Martial arts class twice a week
-- NO SODA (A rule that has already significantly helped me in my weight loss)

Keep your eye on the graph. I promise not to let you all down.

Out of Context #18

2010-07-24T20:11:00.001-05:00

Overheard during a telephone conversation between Adam J. Whitlatch and G.D. Hamilton today:

Adam: You're breaking up with me!?

Enough is Enough

2010-07-20T21:35:00.007-05:00

Many of you have probably heard me rant about this before, but this is the first time I've spoken out about it on the Circus. And I should have brought it up a long fucking time ago.

For years I have been against the use of tasers by law enforcement officers. Why, you ask? Simple: Abuse of power. I have heard way too many stories in the news these past couple of years about cops flying off the handle and whipping out their fancy little zap toy. We've all heard 'em...

- The fifteen year old girl who got into an argument with her mother and ran across the street away from her. The mother cried to a nearby cop to stop her and the cop--without issuing a warning--tased the girl in the back of the head! Keep in mind, this was the style of taser with the projectile barbs. The girl needed major surgery and, as a result, is scarred for life. Why? Because some worthless doughnut crammer is too fat and lazy to chase her down.

- The deaf mute who (in intestinal distress) stayed in a restroom stall too long and was both tased and maced under the stall door by police when he did not respond to demands to exit the stall. What if it had been a child? Are the fuckers incapable of kicking in a door? Would it have been too much for them to slide a mirror under the stall before they tried violence? Are you telling me they couldn't get one of those mirrors they use to check under cars at the borders and airports?

- The fan that ran out onto the field at a sporting event and was chased down by security and tased. Honestly, was that necessary? Fans run onto the field (and streak) all the time. It's almost become a tradition, as has the naked tackle. Lighten up, T.J. Hooker.

There are just too damn many to list, but those are the ones that immediately spring to mind.

But what finally drove me over the edge? If you've watched the video at the top of this post then you already know. A 57-year-old Third Grade teacher was tasered an unprecedented TWELVE times by officers after they responded to her call about a prowler on her property. Let me say that again: SHE called THEM. Apparently from what I can gather about this case, she was trying to explain to the officers the nature of her call and declined to disclose the identity of a male companion with her (shouldn't they ask HIM to identify himself? Just sayin'!) when they arrived and summarily tased her twelve times.

Now apparently one of these officers has resigned from the force, and the other has been fired. Resigned? Fired ? These bastards need to rot in a fucking 4x6 cell for this! I also wouldn't be opposed to them having a pineapple shoved up their asses every day at three o'clock, just for good measure. To make matters worse, the one that resigned is now working for a different department!

This shit needs to end now. We, as a people, need to take back our country. It's already a police state, they just haven't made the formal announcement yet. The police have become completely lazy and incompetent, and as a result: out of control. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a cop hater, even though I've been ill-treated by the police in the past (and that's putting it mildly). Two of my uncles, who I admire very much, were police officers (one a sheriff) for over thirty years. They were my heroes growing up. Most cops today are not heroes, but thugs. Are there good ones? Sure. I'd say maybe 30-40%, but let's face it... about 60% of the men and women wearing the uniform are not mentally (or physically) fit to carry a badge and a gun, much less a taser.

The problem, in a nutshell, is that cops have completely allowed their capacity as negotiators to wither and atrophy.

Do I realize that cops have a dangerous job? Yes. Do I understand that they need a non-lethal means of subduing suspects? Most certainly. However, I think we should go back to the tonfa-style baton. When a cop has to consider the possibility of getting physical with a suspect, I think they'd be more willing to negotiate. Is there still room for police brutality? Of course; we've all heard those tales as well. But, honestly, did you hear about beatings on the news as often as we hear about unnecessary tasings? No.

And I think I've made my point.

What's your opinion on the use of tasers by the police? Do you think there's a solution to this problem without taking them away? Should there be an increase in focus on negotiation skills? Or am I just completely overreacting? Whatever your opinion, please, let us all know in the comment thread below.

Rest In Peace, James P. Hogan

2010-07-15T13:38:00.003-05:00

The science fiction community lost one of its greats this week. On July 12th, James P. Hogan passed away at his home in Ireland. He was 69. For those of you wondering how he died, I have no clue. I haven't dug that far into the news surrounding his passing.

Suffice it to say that I've been looking at the Hogan titles on my bookshelf with fondness and great memories.

Usually, Hogan's work wasn't my cup of tea, but that's not saying I didn't enjoy it. I typically like sci-fi that packs a laser-powered punch, kicks tentacled ass, and takes names, but his work was more of a thinking man's sci-fi. His Giants series (which I have only read the first two installments of so far) deals with man's place in the universe, calling into question everything we think we know about our origins.

Hogan's books kept creeping into my thoughts during my astronomy class this past term, spurring speculation about interstellar travel, the origins of the Moon, and "Minerva," the proposed planet that used to exist between Mars and Jupiter (where that pesky asteroid belt now resides). Come to think of it, Hogan's work heavily influenced the way I interpreted data presented to me in class. Certainly the class debunked many of the ideas put forth by the Giants series, but it still left plenty of room for "what if" scenarios.

Now I realize there was apparently a lot of controversy surrounding Hogan and his personal views, especially those regarding the Holocaust, AIDS, and climate change. Let me just say I don't care. Opinions. He was entitled to them, and I couldn't care less what he said when he was "off the clock." There are many authors, musicians, and actors I think are total jackasses in their private lives, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying their art.

The artist is who I admired, and now he's gone. Gone, but certainly not forgotten.

Slider Addiction - There Is Help...

2010-07-11T10:13:00.003-05:00

And it's called Popeye's! We forgot to take the camera to Popeye's, so no pics there (yet... we're grabbing chicken to go for lunch), but it was good. The decision was unanimous... Little Nicky was correct: "Popeye's Chicken is the shiznit!"

But back to White Castle, you see at right the results of an all-night Slider binge. It's sad really. But oh so satisfying.

Gabe and I just returned from having breakfast at White Castle. Gabe had the sausage, egg, and cheese on toast, while I had the same but with bacon instead. I finally got the chicken rings, and I must say, "Screw nuggets!" Impressed with the onion rings yesterday, we also split an order of those. God, we need a White Castle in Iowa, preferably the Cedar Rapids area.

Check out time is in forty minutes, so we're gonna gather up our things and start making our way back to the City of Five Smells.

We Have Arrived!

2010-07-10T15:04:00.005-05:00

After about four hours on the road and one wrong turn that put us about thirty minutes out of our way, we have finally arrived in Aurora, IL.

More than once on this trip, Mapquest has failed us. The first time resulted in our major detour on I-80, the second was a batch of convoluted directions to White Castle we didn't really need because we actually stumbled across the restaurant while looking for our hotel.

So, absolutely starving, we turned into White Castle and promptly ordered a crave case (30 burgers in a case) and some onion rings. The verdict?

MmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

After leaving the restaurant, resuming the search for our hotel, we saw a Popeye's Chicken about a block away from White Castle. Neither of us have eaten at Popeye's either, so needless to say the plan has been altered. Tonight, after a well deserved nap, we're heading out for some chicken.

Click here to view a few pictures from our journey so far.

Grab Your Socks and Drop Your--

2010-07-10T06:48:00.004-05:00

Well, it's about seven A.M. here in sunny (Screw you, Sun) Cedar Rapids. Once Gabe and I both get our showers and a little bit o' food in our bellies, we shall be off.

I hear Gabe in the shower, so that's my cue to go flush a toilet. Heh heh...